In an effort to improve on my writing I have decided to sign up for Encyclopedia of me which started over at Bella Dia (and which I found out about by reading Laura`s blog here...)
C is for… will not be posted for a couple of weeks although it has already been written…Technically this is the forth post in the Encyclopedia of me…
***************************************************************************************
I have suffered from depression since my early teens although I wasn`t diagnosed until I was 16 and that is also when I started on medication. It runs in my family and it is one of my greatest fears that I will pass whatever it is that causes it on to my children….because there is nothing worse than the feeling of knowing that to feel happy (notice I didn`t say be happy) you need to take a couple of little pills everyday to accomplish it.
When I take my medication I am fine. Sure I may have sad times but they are normal…..it is not like I cry every 10 minutes, can`t get out of bed, can`t make decisions and can`t function. However, that is what happens when I don`t take my medication. As much as I would love to go off the medication, I have tried to go off it and I don`t mean to be morbid but I imagined running my car off the road into a tree just so that I could stop my mind from spinning around and around in circles….It was not so much that I wanted to die as much that I just wanted my mind to stop. Not to mention the dreams….It is funny I don`t really remember what I dreamed about when I was younger and before I was on medication, but now if I don`t take the medication I have the strangest and most horrible dreams and nightmares. Which impacts on my sleep which leaves me lying awake thinking too much…Everyone has nights where they can`t shut their minds off…..I still have them….but imagine if you could never do it…..That is what it is like (for me anyway)…and decision making? Well my decision making skills go out the window…it is hard for me to even decide simple things like what I want to eat or do…
When I was diagnosed it was hoped that because I was still young that perhaps it was something I would grow out of. I now know that it is something I will more than likely always suffer from. While I still have days where I think`This sucks, if I don`t take those pills I am sure I will be fine` I do….but the feeling of dread that overwhelms me when I am off medication is enough to make me never want to stop taking them again.
This post is not only about my dealings with depression but it also has a lot to do with people` s reactions and comments to those who suffer from depression or an anxiety disorder….As much as people want to help those that suffer from depression…to help them `snap out of it` it isn`t as easy as that. It is not something that you can just snap out of…mild depression that lasts a week then goes away, then maybe, trying to help someone snap out of it will work, but if they are depressed all the time…..happy one minute then crying the next then nothing you say is going to make them feel better….especially if you say things like `What do you have to be depressed about?`…..it is not something that you can just control by yourself. The amount of times I have been told that I `seem so happy`, and `why would you need drugs?` is amazing…I don`t get asked why I take ventolin when I have an asthma attack so it kind of gets on my nerves when I hear the same thing all the time.
I don`t go around broadcasting that fact that I have depression to everyone….I am more open about it in Australia than I am here in Japan although my closest (foreign) friends know and of course Shun does too. Shun really doesn`t understand a lot about it, and has a very Japanese mentality about it….considering that at the moment there are only 3 SSRI`s (anti depressants/anti anxiety drugs) on the market here give you a bit of an idea about how the Japanese government and health system view depression. It is not that I am trying to hide it, more that I just get sick of people asking me `why?`…as in why am i depressed….the truth is I am not…well I am not if I take my medication. Shun calls them my `ureshii kusuri` happy medicine….and the way I see it…I suffer from asthma and migraines and I take medication for them. The medication for my depression is exactly the same…..I take them to help fix the chemical imbalance in my brain….Sure, I wish I didn`t have that chemical imbalance but hey that`s life.
I also want to say I have looked into herbal options before…St John`s Wort etc….I spoke to my doctor in Australia about it and she said to combat the kind of depression I have I would need to take a bottle of them a day….and even then It probably wouldn`t help. It was a little disheartening. I was also very concerned about what I would do once I wanted to start a family…..I have been on the same medication since I was 16, I have been very lucky that I found something that suited me right off the bat. The dose has gone up and down over the years but I have never had any severe side affects and it has worked well for me. When I was in Australia recently I spoke my doctor about my medication and pregnancy and was informed that I could try and go off it and see how I go (Since pregnancy changes your hormones and chemicals I might be able to handle been off medication for the period of pregnancy) although she didn`t recommend it. Instead we decided that when I am in Australia later this year for a longer period that I will change to another medication that is seen as safer to take while pregnant (Even though babies are far off in the horizon at the moment) and get used to it while I am in Australia where I can be monitored by my doctor as to whether it works for me or not.
If you think you may suffer from depression or an anxiety disorder you should speak to your doctor….they may not even advise medication, they may advise counselling (This is why I journal….my own form of counselling) or therapy. If you think you know someone that suffers from depression then all you can do is be there for them….keep your opinions about `trying to snap out of it` to yourself and give them a hug. Listen to them, and don`t judge.
Some people might not agree with me on my opinions about helping those with depression. Others may think my ideas about medication are silly…but these are my thoughts and I am not trying to pass myself off as someone that knows what can help those with depression…I don`t….I know what helps me and if you know someone that has depression , or suffer from it yourself, then maybe, just maybe, my thoughts on it may help you with your own battle or with helping someone close to you.
Popularity: 41% [?]