D is for Depression…
In an effort to improve on my writing I have decided to sign up for Encyclopedia of me which started over at Bella Dia (and which I found out about by reading Laura`s blog here...)
C is for… will not be posted for a couple of weeks although it has already been written…Technically this is the forth post in the Encyclopedia of me…
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I have suffered from depression since my early teens although I wasn`t diagnosed until I was 16 and that is also when I started on medication. It runs in my family and it is one of my greatest fears that I will pass whatever it is that causes it on to my children….because there is nothing worse than the feeling of knowing that to feel happy (notice I didn`t say be happy) you need to take a couple of little pills everyday to accomplish it.
When I take my medication I am fine. Sure I may have sad times but they are normal…..it is not like I cry every 10 minutes, can`t get out of bed, can`t make decisions and can`t function. However, that is what happens when I don`t take my medication. As much as I would love to go off the medication, I have tried to go off it and I don`t mean to be morbid but I imagined running my car off the road into a tree just so that I could stop my mind from spinning around and around in circles….It was not so much that I wanted to die as much that I just wanted my mind to stop. Not to mention the dreams….It is funny I don`t really remember what I dreamed about when I was younger and before I was on medication, but now if I don`t take the medication I have the strangest and most horrible dreams and nightmares. Which impacts on my sleep which leaves me lying awake thinking too much…Everyone has nights where they can`t shut their minds off…..I still have them….but imagine if you could never do it…..That is what it is like (for me anyway)…and decision making? Well my decision making skills go out the window…it is hard for me to even decide simple things like what I want to eat or do…
When I was diagnosed it was hoped that because I was still young that perhaps it was something I would grow out of. I now know that it is something I will more than likely always suffer from. While I still have days where I think`This sucks, if I don`t take those pills I am sure I will be fine` I do….but the feeling of dread that overwhelms me when I am off medication is enough to make me never want to stop taking them again.
This post is not only about my dealings with depression but it also has a lot to do with people` s reactions and comments to those who suffer from depression or an anxiety disorder….As much as people want to help those that suffer from depression…to help them `snap out of it` it isn`t as easy as that. It is not something that you can just snap out of…mild depression that lasts a week then goes away, then maybe, trying to help someone snap out of it will work, but if they are depressed all the time…..happy one minute then crying the next then nothing you say is going to make them feel better….especially if you say things like `What do you have to be depressed about?`…..it is not something that you can just control by yourself. The amount of times I have been told that I `seem so happy`, and `why would you need drugs?` is amazing…I don`t get asked why I take ventolin when I have an asthma attack so it kind of gets on my nerves when I hear the same thing all the time.
I don`t go around broadcasting that fact that I have depression to everyone….I am more open about it in Australia than I am here in Japan although my closest (foreign) friends know and of course Shun does too. Shun really doesn`t understand a lot about it, and has a very Japanese mentality about it….considering that at the moment there are only 3 SSRI`s (anti depressants/anti anxiety drugs) on the market here give you a bit of an idea about how the Japanese government and health system view depression. It is not that I am trying to hide it, more that I just get sick of people asking me `why?`…as in why am i depressed….the truth is I am not…well I am not if I take my medication. Shun calls them my `ureshii kusuri` happy medicine….and the way I see it…I suffer from asthma and migraines and I take medication for them. The medication for my depression is exactly the same…..I take them to help fix the chemical imbalance in my brain….Sure, I wish I didn`t have that chemical imbalance but hey that`s life.
I also want to say I have looked into herbal options before…St John`s Wort etc….I spoke to my doctor in Australia about it and she said to combat the kind of depression I have I would need to take a bottle of them a day….and even then It probably wouldn`t help. It was a little disheartening. I was also very concerned about what I would do once I wanted to start a family…..I have been on the same medication since I was 16, I have been very lucky that I found something that suited me right off the bat. The dose has gone up and down over the years but I have never had any severe side affects and it has worked well for me. When I was in Australia recently I spoke my doctor about my medication and pregnancy and was informed that I could try and go off it and see how I go (Since pregnancy changes your hormones and chemicals I might be able to handle been off medication for the period of pregnancy) although she didn`t recommend it. Instead we decided that when I am in Australia later this year for a longer period that I will change to another medication that is seen as safer to take while pregnant (Even though babies are far off in the horizon at the moment) and get used to it while I am in Australia where I can be monitored by my doctor as to whether it works for me or not.
If you think you may suffer from depression or an anxiety disorder you should speak to your doctor….they may not even advise medication, they may advise counselling (This is why I journal….my own form of counselling) or therapy. If you think you know someone that suffers from depression then all you can do is be there for them….keep your opinions about `trying to snap out of it` to yourself and give them a hug. Listen to them, and don`t judge.
Some people might not agree with me on my opinions about helping those with depression. Others may think my ideas about medication are silly…but these are my thoughts and I am not trying to pass myself off as someone that knows what can help those with depression…I don`t….I know what helps me and if you know someone that has depression , or suffer from it yourself, then maybe, just maybe, my thoughts on it may help you with your own battle or with helping someone close to you.
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[…] Original post by Lulu […]
I really like this idea, the A-Z meme, it is such a good way of opening up to readers of your blog in the right way. I think I might just have to join in on this meme…
This is a brilliant post Lulu, it really is. You’ve covered so much. Personally, I’m pretty sure I’ve been on the verge of depression a couple of times. In every instance for me though, there was a definite trigger, and while it was hard, once that trigger had been dealt with I managed to feel better without much outside help. But I’m also conscious that I’m probably at high risk of developing long-term depression.
I like your attitude towards medication- you take medicine for a migraine, or asthma, so of course you’re going to take medication to address the chemical imbalance in your brain.
I also have a couple of people close to me with depression, and dealing with that is hard at times. I understand why someone would not understand, and say “can’t you just snap out of it?”, but that’s just so unhelpful. Sometimes there’s just nothing anyone can say, and that sucks for everyone involved- but the person supporting the person with depression just needs to deal with it, at the end of the day. Accepting that sometimes there’s nothing you can do is a good step.
Hey I really enjoyed your post too!
My father actually was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, so I sometimes wonder if I may have it as well.. I’m not so sure of the genetics.. but as far as I know my two brothers and me are both fine, so even if you have kids there may be no problems.
I like how you put taking your medication as you would for a migraine.. I think the media makes a huge deal about depressed people and would make it seem that they would always be blue or sad.. I don’t really understand it.
You seem really secure in thoughts on this and I think that is the best thing possible for the situation. I know that in particular Japan is a hard country to live in on pretty much any “western idea” medication.. I got weird looks for going on birth control pills. so i’m sure you get the “why?” questions a lot..
Anyways I’m sorry I’m rambling! Looking forward to the next entry!
I read your post about depression, and wanted to comment but because this topic is way to close to home, I just couldn’t… But then I read it again, and saw the honesty of your post, and found the courage to comment.
My dad is severely depressed, my sister is on antidepressents, and I lost my brother to depression. I also have had fits and starts but because I hate doctors, I have never been diagnosed. My depression is most definitely linked to specific events in my life… I wish I could say I was happy, but even when I feel happy, its not 100% happiness. I feel like I have been robbed of an important part of my life…
Sarah, I know what you mean about birth control pills - I have had some strange comments and weird looks too. Not only that, but birth control pills are so expensive in Japan!! So I go to my doctor in Oz, and he gives me 1 years worth of prescriptions! Could you do something like that?
I think everyone here has made some very good points and been very open, which is a good thing. Because having depression and anxiety can make you feel so isolated, like you are alone, when in fact it is very common. Society is so much more complicated now and that’s why these types of illnesses weren’t often heard of before. I believe that depression/anxiety is from both nature AND nurture. It can be hereditary and it can be caused by factors such as situations you’ve been exposed to and how you’ve experienced life. You can never really understand what it’s like until you have depression or anxiety yourself, or you have people close to you who have it. All you can do is show your support and try to empathise.
Thank you for being so brave by being so honest and sharing your storey Lulu! I love you *mwah*
That’s really well written, Lulu. You’ve made it very easy to understand and shown you have a very sensible approach :o)
I’m hanging out for ‘C’ - what is it?! I’m thinking swear words… ah mah!!
Justine: Thanks for stopping by to comment. I am really enjoying writing the encyclopedia of me and because I had just moved my blog over to wordpress I thought it would be a good task to keep me motivated about blogging!!!
I think it would be great if you could join in to!
Amanda: Thank you. I hope that if you find yourself in a situation where you depression seems to be lasting long term that you get help. You seem to have good judgement though because you said yourself that most times there is a trigger…in that case if the trigger is dealt with then usually you can move on. You seem to know where you are at with it all.
Those friends you have with depression are lucky to have you. Someone that is supportive with out been judgemental is just what someone with depression needs.
Sara: I have the same problem with birth control pills also…..In fact most doctors look at me like I am crazy when I list the medications I am on…the pill, anti-depressents, an asthma steriod and other asthma medication when I actually have asthma attacks etc…I am like a walking drug store! I get all of my medication, except for migraines, in Australia though…and just bring it back with me. I am secure in my thoughts about taking anti-depressants but it did take me a while to get comfotable with the idea. Ultimately I would love not to have to take them, the same way in which I wish I didn`t have asthma. But that is life I guess.
Nay: Thank you for commenting. I had kind of put two and two together already after reading your post about your brother a couple of months ago….but hadn`t wanted to say anything in case I was way off. I think you understand what I have written then, especially since it sounds like you have dealt with others who have had depression most of you life. I can recommend a couple of good doctors in Brisbane if you would like to talk to someone about your own issues….or alternativaly you can email me anytime if you need to talk. You have my phone number too right? You might find instead of going to a doctor, that going to a counseller might help you come to terms with some stuff and decide whether you think you need medication or not.
Katie: I am happy that anybody commented on this at all, I thought perhaps that it might freak people out a little. You and I have spoken about this before, so I had thought that you might comment though. It is hard for those who have not dealt with depression or anxiety before to understand exactly what it is like…I think even those who have had depression and or anxiety also might not understand other peoples approaches to it either because it is such a personal thing. and different for everyone. Thanks for commenting, I love you too!
Enny: Thank you Enny. I am glad you thought it was well written, it makes me happy! C is for is not for a swear word…..It will come in a couple of weeks…more than likely E and F will come before it though.
Good post, Lulu. Depression is a subject close to me, via both family members and my own experience. I found it really difficult to understand till I experienced it myself a few years ago. Wow, it really knocked me about. I tried to soldier on for a while, but eventually took myself to the doctor and started getting treated for it. I still have days when I feel really flat, but nothing like when it was at its worst.
LAME why dont u cry about it?