In an effort to improve on my writing I have decided to sign up for Encyclopedia of me which started over at Bella Dia (and which I found out about by reading Laura`s blog here...)… participating in this hasn`t actually improved my writing at all but I still live in hope…
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Y is for young…
23 is not that young but it isn`t exactly old either. Some people have commented on the fact that I am so young to be getting married but I don`t see it that way….in fact I will be 24 when I get married and I will have known Shun for 4 & a half years by then and we will have lived together for more than 3 years. Getting married at this age was never the plan I had growing up but life moves in mysterious ways and I met my soulmate at 19 instead of say 25. Shun will be almost 28 when we get married in May….and he was 23 when I met him- the age I am now…and he wanted to get married and have kids then and I was like “What? Your 23, are you crazy?” and I turned down his proposal (he asked me to marry him the second time we met- the night of our first real date)
And here I am, at the same age, preparing to get married and thinking about starting a family.
A friend has announced her pregnancy (Hi S!) and another would like to have a baby sometime next year and Shun & I have been talking more and more about when we would like to start a family. If he had his way I would already be pregnant (well actually if he had had his way we`d already have had two kids!) but I never felt I was ready (or that we were financially stable enough to have a child) and I guess I am a bit traditional and would prefer to be married before having kids (although I have absolutely nothing against those who have kids out of marriage) and now that our wedding is coming up, the talk of the future, children and having babies is on our minds and something we have been talking about a lot.
I know that some would think I am too young to start a family and others will say we should wait a couple of years and enjoy been married and time for the two of us(and this post might open myself up to some of these comments) but Shun & I have lived together and had a lot of time for the two of us over the years and I have studied, travelled & done the kinds of things people say you should do before starting a family.
We would like a couple of kids and I think I would like to be a younger mum- In fact I would like to have two kids (most likely) and I think I would like to be done by the time I am 30. I used to worry so much that I would be a crap mother, in fact as a teenager I was so scared of having kids as I was so worried I would screw them up but I know that Shun & I, together, would be able to handle it and I am confident we could raise beautiful well adjusted kids!
With the complications people can have trying to get pregnant these days as well I figure the sooner we start trying then at least if we do have any issues we can go see someone about them while we are still relatively young.
So we are thinking we will start trying sometime next year, after the wedding and we return to Japan, and if all goes according to plan we would be welcoming a bub sometime in 2010. It`s funny, when I was in China I had my fortune told and they wanted Shun`s name, kanji, date of birth etc to see if we were a good match (we were) and I was also told that the most amazing thing would happen to me in 2010 and that I would become unbelievably happy. I didn`t think much of it at the time but recently when we were talking Shun brought it up and said “maybe the baby is what they meant” and maybe he is right- maybe that is what they meant.
I may be young (to some) but Shun & I know what we want and I don`t think it matters what age we are because it is the kind of thing that you know, deep in your heart, when the time is right. I want to be a mum, and Shun wants to be a papa and we want to have a baby together.
I tossed up whether I should post about something like this on my blog as I know it might open myself up to some critism but honestly I have written about other things in recent months that I never thought I would write about on here, in such a public form, but I have found writing about it and getting it out there has always made things so much better.
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I am just a twenty something Aussie girl living in Chiba, Japan with my Japanese husband trying to make sense of the crazy Japanese world we live in! We welcomed our first son in December 2009 (Noah) and a second son in January 2011, 2 months premature (Shion). I am working hard at raising them to be confident, bilingual, happy kids!
I don’t think you’re too young at all! I wanted to be engaged by 24, married by 24, first kid by 26, and last by 30
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I think it’s very exciting about babies – I think you’re at a great age. I see these women in their 30s and 40s with newborns and it just seems wrong. The friends that I have that have kids are doing so well, the kids are happy, the parents can handle the tiredness, and everything is great.
How exciting – You go girl!!!
I wanted to be married by 27 and have two kids out by 30. We had four no-gos before we got Shou on my 30th birthday. I will have the third out by my 33rd birthday and there is definately no more after that. Being pregnant and looking after kids is bloody tiring and personally I would have loved to have met my hub a good few years earlier to start things off sooner. I doubt there is a perfect time to have kids – there is always something. Getting married, moving back to Japan and settling into a new routine. Sounds like you and Shun will be ready after that. Find a good clinic and being pregnant and giving birth in Japan is a good experience.
The first one is scary. I wondered where all of the ‘love’ would come from but it just appears. You make mistakes and you learn and you get better the second time round!! You’ll be a fantastic mum Lulu.
Haha you just knew I would come comment on this!
If you have a baby in 2010 you’ll be the same age as me (25) correct? I never thought it would happen for me this young – but now I think the timing has worked out really well. I’ve always had a plan for my life until I got to the point where I was finishing the job I am now. I really think that its sort of “meant to be” that the next 5 years or so of my life will be dedicated to having my family and then once then are old enough to be in school I will be moving into to the next phase of my career.
In any case, even in the short while I’ve been pregnant I’ve come across SO MANY opinions and advice about pregnancy, timing of babies, managing family and career, etc etc… and I think that really you have to listen to your own heart and Shumpei’s over everyone else.
When I made a similar post to you a couple months ago and got a lot of strong “you should wait” messages it really hurt – but then I realized that only I and Ryohei truly know our sitution and you just can’t please everyone.
I personally think you will be an excellent mother and I know I want you to be there as an Auntie for my little one and I hope to be involved with yours when they come along. You will figure everything out – and you have a wonderful wedding to plan before taking the next step.
Anyways I’ve rambled on too much… Love ya!
I don’t think there is a “too young” or a “too old” to have babies. Well, I think do teenagers are too young to have babies, but I definitely don’t think you’ll be too young at 25. The important thing, as you’ve said is that you’ve thought about it a lot and feel you’ll be ready. You can’t even fully prepare yourself for how much life will change after you have a baby, but just the fact that you’ve put so much thought into means you’ll be a lot better prepared than most.
Good luck with everything – I think you two are going to make great parents!
I’m 22. I eat babies. Just kidding. But I’d rather eat one than have one right now.
This has absolutely nothing to do with you, of course, it’s merely indicative how no one can tell you how “old” 23 is.
Do your thang, girl!
I know lots of woman who have started their families by 25. I think it that it all comes down to maturity and readiness. You and Shun seem both of those. Because you have planned this. It’s really great that you both want this. Lots of couples disagree about the timing of kids. Others don’t have the choice when accidents happen. In the past you have said you weren’t sure what you wanted to do for work once you returned to Japan. Next year when you return to Japan if you found a job that you enjoyed and would tide you over until 2010 when your baby came. Being a mother will be the best job you’ve ever had. You’ll learn lots about yourself too. Then by the time you are 30 and the kids go to Yoichen/shougakou you’ll be ready to start you career again. I’m 27 and in some ways I’m only starting my career now. Age is just a number, Lulu, it all comes down to preparedness and what’s best for you. You and Shun are gonna have the cutest akachan!
I was 22 when I got married!!!! But knowing what i know now about having kids I am glad we waited. Life sometimes doesn’t go to plan so just enjoy what you have now because when the kids come along it changes everything again (for the better mostly)!
I think people say “you should wait” because, looking back, having kids isn’t something you can go back on. Up to a certain point you can always decide to have them or not, but once they’re here, there’s no turning back! DH and I got married and had kids pretty quickly after I met, and sometimes I do mourn the fact that it won’t ever be just the two of us again, not ever. I love my son and I don’t regret having him at all, but looking back I do sometimes think “why was I in such a hurry?” So I think that advice, which sometimes comes off as critical, is usually coming from people who are at somewhat of a different place in life. Try not to take that advice as criticism or anything hurtful, just people speaking from their own experiences, which might not even be remotely similar to your own.
In the end, it is really a personal decision. From being involved on pregnancy message boards when I was having D, I can tell you that loads and loads of people have babies quite young. I actually feel almost old sometimes for a first time mom. I see lots of moms my age (I’ll be 29 in April) who are already on their second or third kid, so your desire to have kids young certainly isn’t odd or abnormal. If it is what works for you guys, then go for it!
Enny- Do you think you will still have kids before you are 30 or do you think that you and “the hun” have changed your minds? I certainly don`t think people my age who have kids are too young but as judgemental as it sounds when I see teenagers with prams or nursing I think “I am so happy I didn`t have kids then” but I think Shun & I, while we love it been just the two of us, we would also like it to become “3 of us” sometime soon.
Katy- Your comment made me so happy- the last part about the first been so scary wondering where all the love would come from but it just came. How old were you and hub when you got married? Like you, I think I want to have my kids in fairly quick concession…although as you said it is pretty tiring.
I think no matter which way people go, the grass always tends to be greener on the otherside. Some who had their kids young say they wish it could of been more time for just them & their partner and then others say they wish they had had them younger.
I guess only time will tell.
Sarah- Yeah if I gave birth in 2010 I would be 25 (birthday in Feb) same age you are now! I know that you copped a bit of flak on your blog when you posted that you & Ryohei had decided to try for a bub and like I said to you then you needed to do what was best for you and Ryo and I think what you have done is just that!!!! I am a big believer in doing what is best for you…and this is what is best for Shun & I too.
You can`t please everyone, you never can!!! It is unfortunate but a fact of life.
Funny, today when I was shopping with mum my mum said ” I can`t wait to you have kids, in the next couple of years so that I can send all cute stuff over to you….you won`t know what has hit you when you have kids but you will love it I am sure” – I always though my mum would be one of those who pushed the “you should wait” debate but she totally hasn`t at all.
My kids will love having “auntie Sarah” around too!!!!!
Guera- thank you!!! Obviously we have another year to think about it before we would probably even start trying for a bub and who knows how long it will take but I think we are ready and I hope we will make good friends, just like you are such a good mum to your little girls!
undersundog- I would totally understand the feeling of not been ready! It totally depends on the circumstances you are in!!! If you had asked me, even at 20 or 21 if I was ready to have babies (or thought I would be planning to start a family at 24/25) then I would of told you, ARGH, No way, not for me! But things change and I think you just know when you have that “ready” feeling!
Katie- I know some young mums, and they are FAB! They are good mums and they love being a mum!!! You are totally right, and age is just a number!!! It is something I defiinitely have to try to remember!
Allanah- I didn`t realize you were so young when you got married (I guess as there is a fair few years between us)- How old were you when you had K? I know a lot of people will say they think we should wait but I guess time will tell which way things go.
Jess- Thanks for your opinion- I guess I know when people say ” you should wait” that it isn`t a personal attack on our decision but like Sarah said above sometimes it seems a little like that way. In recent years I have gotten used to letting people`s comments roll off my back because I learnt that if you try to take on board everything everybody says you would be running around in circles your whole life. I know that in most cases people are not been critical but just offering advice based on their own experiences.
As you said though, it is a personal decision, and there is nothing to say that Shun & I will go ahead with our plans as stated as things might change and we are prepared for that too.
Lulu – I think we will have at least one. He knows it’s important to me that I start young… mainly because we’ll be better equipped to handle the tiredness, my body will handle it better and also because I don’t want to be out of the workforce for ages. His mum had him and his sister quite young, and she stayed at home until they were in like college and she’s had a lot of trouble re-establishing her career.
Putting myself waaayyyy out there (or not, actually this is not Heather speaking, this is some crazed blog addicted (English speaking!) burglar who broke into her house and decided to reply to your post…;P) but I think that TALKING about and PLANNING and DECIDING when (sorry can’t find italics so caps will have to do) to have kids already puts you miles ahead of the game as far as as ‘ohhh I should have waited’ type regret. As someone who was promised babies were a difficult thing to make and ended up being spectacularly gifted in that department I have to admit that there were/ are (not so much are these days) times when everyone’s screaming at me (ok not DH, but everyone else ;P) and I imagine my life sans children. You know the life when I’m the English announcer on NHK ‘this woman says…’ or a lawyer at the UN or whatever I could have been if only I hadn’t had children, rah, rah, rah. And having a kid at 25 and all my school friends still single, and feeling a generation younger than the mums at the preggo classes etc etc was rough but you already have all us sempai mums around, you’ve had your ‘just the two of us’ time- and it’s not like that completely disappears, I mean some people even manage to make subsequent children!! And honestly, no matter when you decide to have children someone will find something to say. My MlL would probably warn you off having kids in an economic downturn! ;0
So I say follow your heart, hold your head high and remember people may say mean things to a pregnant woman but it’s a hard person indeed who doesn’t melt at the sight of a little baby.
MILs included!
I don’t think you’ll be too young! I really believe that once you’re with the person you want to have babies with & you are financially okay then there is no reason to wait too long. I’m sure you and Shun will be fantastic parents, and there are lots of advantages to having babies when you are in your 20s.
I had Ali when I was 27 and, because of the area we live in, I was the youngest one in my mothers group. The average age of the 12 of us in the group is probably early-to-mid 30s. BUT 4 of the babies were IVF and the older mums seemed to have more difficult pregnancies and births, which made me glad that I didn’t wait any longer.
Someone said this already but I don’t think there is any “perfect” time or age to have babies. They are messy, disruptive little things, so no matter how long you wait they are going to change life a lot. BUT on the plus side they are absolutely wonderful and bring so much love and happiness, and I think when you are younger it’s easier to deal with the changes and sleep deprivation!
I honestly don’t think you can plan what age you should have children at and put restrictions on yourself like that. If you want them and you are ready, have them. If you don’t, you don’t. There’s nothing wrong with not having children by the time you’re 30 (most of my friends didn’t by that age) but if you want them, have them.
Everyone’s life is different and what everyone wants is different, so I think you just have to decide what you want, not let other people’s opinions worry you, and be happy with and confident in your decision.