I had heard about mummy guilt long before I had Noah. I just never realized how real an emotion it was.
I`m out doing the shopping and Noah starts crying- I am trying to balance an overflowing shopping basket on one arm, my handbag on the other and push the pram with the screaming baby at the same time and people are staring at me because the baby is crying (and possibly because they are trying to grab a look at the “gaijin” baby)…some people even feel the need to point out the baby is crying. As if I haven`t realized.
I talk to him to try and calm him down but of course that doesn`t work with a 4 month old (usually) and I can`t exactly stop what I am doing since leaving the basket on the floor with the overflowing groceries is not going to help things because I still am going to need the food in there even if I leave the shop to try and calm Noah. I feel bad leaving him cry so it is best to just try and get everything done really fast and hope he quietens down by himself (which after a couple of minutes he usually does. Of course those couple of minutes seem like hours in my mind!)
I feel pangs of guilt whenever he cries. It is not like when he was first born and those first 4 weeks, every time he cried, I felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart. Now when he cries and I know it isn`t because he is hungry, tired or in pain then I don`t feel so bad- I just try to calm him as fast as possible and give lots of cuddles and usually all he needed was a cuddle and a funny face from me to make him happy again. I still feel guilty though.
Like when he cries because I go to the kitchen to make my lunch (or even just heat it up). Or when I leave him in his chair to hang out the washing. He is quite needy (what 4 month old isn`t?) but they are things I have to do. And things I can not usually do while holding him. I still talk to him while I do them (or sing) so he knows I am close by…
Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him in his jolly jumper even though he loves it and I take him out as soon as he starts to grizzle- usually before (sometimes he gets unhappy when I TRY to take him out of it). He has developed quite a whine too- and sometimes even if I am holding him and playing with him he still continues to whine and again I feel mummy guilt because there is obviously something missing, something that he wants that I am not giving him.
Letting him watch Wiggles or Baby Einstein while I cook dinner is another time I feel mummy guilt. I try to do it with him playing at my feet in the kitchen but he usually doesn`t last more than 5 minutes where as Wiggles and a toy can keep him occupied for 20 minutes (in which I check on him every 2 mins or so- I strap him into his chair though or lie him on his blanket). I know TV shouldn`t be used as a babysitter, hence the mummy guilt, but it is something he loves (he giggles at the tv…)…Should i still be feeling guilty over this?
I also can`t “play” with him every waking moment. I try to keep music on all the time (mainly kiddie stuff or classical but sometimes some stuff for mama too), and make sure he is entertained or has something to play with. He likes to sit on my lap while I read blogs sometimes and we also do airplane and tickle games as well as playing together on his mat, reading several stories a day, singing, lying on a blanket for tummy time and he also sits in his bumbo while I do chores like cleaning up the kitchen/bathroom if he is awake when I do them.
I still feel guilty though. As if I am not doing enough to satisfy his curiosity and help him develop…
I am not sure what else I could do though. Is the mummy guilt I feel even warranted? I try to get most things done while he is sleeping as he still naps 3-4 times a day and MOST of them are in his cot if we are home. What other things can I do to help him develop? Am I doing enough? Are these questions that all new mummies ask themselves?
He seems happier when we are not home all day. I think he quite likes to get out and “see” people…he loved the aquarium the other day. Was quite taken with the fish swimming around!
When do you feel mummy guilt? Is it warranted? Should I be “playing” with Noah every waking moment? Do these mummy guilt feelings ever end or am I stuck with them forever now?
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I am just a twenty something Aussie girl living in Chiba, Japan with my Japanese husband trying to make sense of the crazy Japanese world we live in! We welcomed our first son in December 2009 (Noah) and a second son in January 2011, 2 months premature (Shion). I am working hard at raising them to be confident, bilingual, happy kids!
Lulu,
I found it exhausting just reading about all the interaction etc. you do with Noah, give yourself a break, and guilt shouldn’t come into it, you are doing a great job, and I am proud of you. PS You turned out reasonably well and I don’t think there was too much “mat time” music time” jolly jumper time” ‘Wiggles” time so pull back on the ‘guilt time”. Love Mum.
I agree with your mum….She is incredibly smart
I agree.
I also remember reading somewhere that children (babies) also have to experience “boredom” because that’s also a part of life. 
I think that (a) mummy guilt is totally normal – we all feel like we’re not doing enough, no matter how much we’re doing and (b) your mum is right.
I read somewhere that your baby / child needs your attention, but also needs to learn to amuse themselves sometimes… and that made me feel much better when I plonked Ali in front of playschool or on a mat with a toy… I wasn’t being neglectful, I was teaching him the valuable life skill of entertaining himself
The supermarket thing gets easier in a couple of months when he will be old enough to have a rusk to chew on as a distraction, and sit up and interact more. Not sure if Noah is happy in slings or baby Bjorns, but I found Ali got less grumpy in the supermarket if he was up at my height more, so he could see what was going on and it was easier for me to chat to him about what I was doing.
Some great comments here. Mummy guilt IS a very overwhelming emotion, and I’m not sure it ever goes away. But it’s a GOOD thing to feel. You care about your baby, and you want him to be happy. You want to give him everything that you possibly can, you want him to grow, to develop, to do your utmost to let him be all that he can possibly be. It’s exhausting.
You seem like you are doing a wonderful job. There are lots of things that I do as a mother that I said I never would. And this is because I am a person too, just like our children are. We need a break sometimes, and we have things to do, like you say. Just before I make dinner, my two children settle down to watch t.v. I don’t let them watch more than two hours in any one day, never all at once, and never something unsuitable. I think t.v. can be beneficial. And you are keeping Noah safe by not having him around your ankles while you are cooking in a dangerous kitchen. I feel you on the crying front too, but I just got to the stage, even when people are looking, to not let it get to me. If your baby is crying, you are not a bad mother, and the goal isn’t always to make the baby stop. Sometimes babies just cry. You are there with him, he is safe, and he is not going to resent you or be emotionally scarred for life. Who cares about what other people think. The important thing is that you are a great Mum and that Noah loves you more than anyone.
I think you are doing a wonderful job Lulu. The amount of time you spend with Noah entertaining him is loads more than what most people I bet!!
I don’t have any advice for you because I’m still at the stage where every cry is like a knife stabbing me in my heart… I hate not knowing what is wrong with Leilah and why she is crying. I can’t wait till I have worked out all of her different cries and become better at being her mummy…
Your mom is a very wise woman!
I think mommy guilt is normal, especially with your first child, but you also need to give yourself a break. Of course you can’t be playing with your child every waking moment, and even if you could, it is good for kids to learn to play independently and entertain themselves. I don’t advocate crying it out either, but there’s a difference between that and letting Noah fuss in his stroller while you finish shopping. You do what you can do. The baby is your first priority but your family has to eat, you have to shower, pee … life can’t just stop. Noah will learn, and as he gets older he’ll be much better at keeping himself occupied. If/When you ever have a second child you’ll find that there are numerous times when one of the children can’t have your undivided attention.
As for helping him develop, if you think about all of the people that you know or know of who had sketchy upbringings, or maybe didn’t have doting stay at home parents, maybe watching hours of TV a day, and then people like my husband and all the other farmers in this country, whose parents were out in the fields (DH used to get locked in his parents room as a 1 year old so that he wouldn’t hurt himself or get into trouble when the adults of the village had to go to politcal meetings, this being during the Cultural Revolution), not stimulating his development, yet who turned out smart and bright and stable and happy … the point is that as long as you’re providing a loving, caring environment for Noah he’s going to turn out fine. His development is not going to be influenced one way or the other by the 20 minutes of TV a day you let him watch or by you taking a few minutes to read blogs while he’s in your lap. I think it is actually pretty hard, outside of abject neglect or serious trauma, to seriously damage your children, and you’re nowhere NEAR that, not in the same ballpark, neighborhood, or even the same country. You’re doing a spectacular job as a mom, Noah is obviously happy and loved and I hope you can let go of some of the guilt.
Everyone has given you lots of advice so won’t repeat, but want to know a funny thing about mommy guilt, at least for me. I tried to do all the super mom things for my oldest and felt guilty, sometimes still do. Then I had a second one, and he got far less attention and catering to than his sister but never felt guilty about it at all. I simply couldn’t be all things to all people every second of the day. And he is turning out every bit as okay as she is, only he is much more independent, self sufficient, and is really good at keepng himself entertained.
I agree with everyone else and your Mum. Mummy guilt is perfectly normal and I think feeling that way is a sign of being a good mother. I feel guilty ALL the time, should I be doing more with Joey? Should I be working harder on his reading? I feel bad when he wakes up stupidly early at the weekends and I get annoyed with him because I want to sleep… I think all Mums beat themselves up from time to time, some more than others and it is perfectly natural to feel that way as you want to ensure you child has the best of everything.
I think it is good for kids to learn how to entertain themselves so dont worry too much about not engaging Noah all the time, it is good for him to occupy himself!
Dear Lulu,
You are doing a great job being a Mummy! And the TV thing? Well, if you lived in the US, you would have access to a babysitter when you needed it. And you live in Japan. And that just isn’t going to happen. So, use the TV when you need to! A less stressed Mummy is better than one too tired. You may need some of your own time too.
That being said, I wish, in hindsight, I had taken my own advice. I would have enjoyed Jun’s first year much more. But…that’s life. And dinner prep? Do you know the song, “Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah.”? Well, I changed the words, “Someone’s crying in the kitchen with Mama…etc.” SMILE!
Jun is nearly 4 and finally I am relaxing. My personality, I think – somewhat of a perfectionist. But, there is NO PERFECT PARENT, there IS Your special Noah’s Mummy, and no one can do that better than you!
God, Lulu. Here’s what I think: we (Mommies) feel guilty no matter what we do. And know what? It’s not all about us!
Example: newspapers publish articles about how if a mother does not pay enough attention to her son, he will grow up emotionally stunted and will be unable to commit emotionally to women. But if a mother ‘smothers’ her son with attention, he will be gay. If a mother works, the son will be an adulterer, since he will have learned that his needs should be met by multiple women. If the mother stays at home, she is exposing her son to a ‘less developed’ type of woman and showing him that women are dependent creatures always needing men to support them.
In short? We’re screwed no matter what.
This is what I have learned in my almost-4-years of Mommyhood: we decide what works for US and OUR kids (Noah watching TV while you make dinner, Noah listening to music when you hang up laundry, letting him fuss for 10 minutes in the store so you can shop, etc.) and then we just do it. No effing apologies. God knows we get enough guilt jammed down our throats from others; we really don’t need to do it to ourselves!
Noah seems to be a happy, healthy baby boy. You’re doing great.
Oh Lulu! Firstly, I think all mommas are hardwired to feel guilt. I’m not sure why, but probably to perpetuate the survival of our species! Honestly, I know of no mother that is spared this guilt and if I did I would secretly think her a sociopath. My kids are 5 and 7 and I still question everything I do (or don’t do) for them. I think it’s just part and parcel to being a mother.
Secondly, you sound like a fabulous, loving mummy. I wouldn’t change a thing.