I feel as if I am living two lives and in each one I abandon each of my children every day.
Noah screams everytime I leave for the hospital. In fact he screams and cries if I even get up to go to the kitchen or the bathroom at the moment and grabs onto my leg and won`t let go. I feel so guilty leaving him everyday for almost three hours.
It is a 40 minute drive to the hospital (even though it is only 13km away) and even though we are supposed to only stay for 30 minutes I usually stay for close to an hour before abandoning Shion and driving the 40 minutes back to my in-laws.
I can`t win. I have to abandon each of my children everyday and it is really taking its toll. I feel so bad and usually get upset when I leave Noah and then again when I have to leave Shion- having a baby in the NICU and another baby at home is such an exhausting and emotional rollercoaster.
Shion turned a week old yesterday and while his breathing has improved he has had a couple of setbacks including a large weight loss. He was born at 1730grams but yesterday was weighing 1463grams. He is so tiny and I wish there was more I could do for him but apart from visit him for that hour each day there really is nothing else I can do.
I am expressing milk 6-7 times a day. It should be more but I am too exhausted to wake up more than once overnight so usually I pump at about 11, wake up at 3 and then wake up again at 7am to pump before Noah wakes up (he sleeps til almost 8am recently). Shion is now exclusively on breastmilk but if his weight doesn`t start to go up this might have to change. He has only 30ml of breastmilk every three hours but I am pumping about 800-1000ml a day so there is a stockpile in the freezer.
We still have no word or idea on when Shion will be able to come home from the hospital but it is likely to be awhile- probably closer to early March which was when he would of been officially due had he not decided to make an early appearance. I need the help with Noah and access to the car so we will be staying with the in-laws indefinitely.
I have decided to continue my Saturday part-time work (which is about 5-6 hours a month) but will have to give up my week day work, at least for a little while, since I usually did it at the apartment and we are not living there. I have not let my students know yet.
I am from Brisbane originally, as a lot of you know. The flooding there has been devastating but luckily for me my family and their homes are all okay- unfortunately for many others this is not the case. My brothers workplace however is completely under water (1.5 stories of a two story building) and he is off work until the flood waters subside. It will take years and a lot of money to restore Brisbane to what it once was.
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I am just a twenty something Aussie girl living in Chiba, Japan with my Japanese husband trying to make sense of the crazy Japanese world we live in! We welcomed our first son in December 2009 (Noah) and a second son in January 2011, 2 months premature (Shion). I am working hard at raising them to be confident, bilingual, happy kids!
Laura, I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better or change this situation. Both of your sons are going to be just fine regardless of how hard things might be right now. Just hang in there and take care of yourself too.
My heart is absolutely aching this week. For you, for our city, for all of the sadness in the lives of people we know.
Your news really hit me like a rock in my stomach. I think you are incredibly brave to be juggling two babies, one of whom is so very very tiny.
I’ve had your little family in my thoughts for the past couple of days, and I’ll continue to send you positive thoughts.
My heart breaks reading this – it must be so hard for you, and the Brisbane situation would make everything even more surreal and sad. You are doing the very best you can, and that is all you can do.
xx
I’m praying for you and your family. This situation is a long and difficult marathon so I pray for you to have the endirance you need!
I know that Noah is little and understanding is tough for him… have you thought of taking some pictures at the hospital and giving them to N. (perhaps in a little album so they don’t get destroyed) so he can “see” what you are doing while you are gone?
I hope you can get some helpful ideas to make the situation even just a little easier.
Hang in there!
Anyone would feel overwhelmed in your situation. You are doing the best you can. Why won’t they let you stay with Shion for more than 30mins? That is sad. Why would breastmilk not be enough for him? What a stressful situation.
Oh Laura, my heart is aching for you right now. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with this… I wish with all of my heart that I could do something or say something that would make even a small difference but I can’t and I am sorry. I am thinking of you all constantly, day in and day out and hoping that little Shion can come home ASAP. I know I have said this before but I honestly mean it if you need to talk to someone please ring me. I want to be there for you X0X0
it’s a little late, but i wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your son! i can’t imagine how hard it must be to be apart and i’m not sure i could do what you have to do every day – it’s a brave and amazing thing you are doing, know that.
it may be so hard right now, especially for noah, but i have no doubt that both of your sons know they are loved. and when shion comes home, it will be that much sweeter to have your whole family together.
don’t beat yourself up over the way things have to be for a little while. spend time with noah and spent those precious minutes with shion. and be sure to spend some time on yourself, too. hang in there lulu. <3
Hey Laura, you are amazing. I know how heartbreaking it is to leave your baby. I had to go back to work 1 1/2 days a week when H was only 7 weeks old. He was fine because he was still so young, but then when he started daycare at 7 months, he started to know I was leaving. I cried every time I left him there (because he did) and hated it. Over the next 6 weeks, he gradually got better and now he just gives me a wave bye-bye and keeps on playing. I still hate leaving him even though it’s only for 8hrs a week, but I know he is happy. Just trying to say that Noah is aware you are leaving now, but he will be totally fine. It will get easier and easier. Still, like you said, you have to leave Shion as well and I can’t imagine how tough that must be.
As for your lessons, if you teach adults, would you like me to help you with some prep? I’ve got 11 years of lesson plans hanging around, so if you need anything, let me know.
D
Thank you for sharing your story. It certainly does seem that the hardest times all come at once, doesn’t it? I can’t possibly begin to understand how you are feeling now, but I do see that you seem to be coping very well and have a lot of support for when things just get too much. As far as the children are concerned, I think it’s actually good preparation for Noah and I’m sure he’s just getting used to the change of having to share you with Shion. As for Shion, I’m sure he’s enjoying the time with you too, however short. Having said that, I DO know how it feels to have to split your attention between two children, and I also know the guilt involved in that. I personally found that very hard at first, but you do learn to balance. In a perfect world, you would be there for both of your children and your husband all the time, but in reality, that’s just not possible.
All the best Laura, you are doing fantastic x
(((Lulu))) As many others,wish I was living closer to you to help out in some way.I cannot imagine how hard it must be trying to balance time with both Noah and Shion.
Remember how tough the first weeks and months with Noah were?All the tiny ups and downs in each day?IIs he too hot?Too cold?Is he taking in enough milk?Too much milk?Poo not looking right? etc etc.Usually with No 2,it is an easy ride compared to the first,but in your case,you are facing so many new challenges, fears and worries which most of us will never experience.You are amazing to cope,and yes,I know that you have no choice but to cope,but still… Just be kind to yourself and give yourself a little time to try and comes to terms with such major changes in your life.This time last week ,and who’d have ever imagined?
Shion is receiving amazing care at the NICU.A dear friend of mine was in a similar situation earlier this year after giving birth to a very sick baby; he spent many months in the NICU but is now home and thriving.FYI,my friend pumped for a good while but she became so exhausted(physically,mentally and emotionally) she decided to stop pumping so often.I am totally pro BF-ing but if you have to,perhaps you could drop the night “pump” to give you a chance to start to recuperate?
Noah is just feeling the loss of his mummy.He was with you all the time in Australia and now,all of a sudden,you are coming and going and no doubt he senses that there is something not quite the same now! And nobody likes big changes,even gorgeous one year olds! You know,even if you had carried Shion to full-term,Noah would be reacting in the same way; clinging to you,crying and not wanting to see his mummy leave the room and not really liking this new being that has changed everything in his life of routine.He will get better and it must be so confusing for him.But he has your PIL to look after him when you are gone,TG,and after a while,he will settle into a new routine and feel better.
Enough rambling.Just wanted to say that I think that you are terrific and got a bit carried away;-)
* Dreadful about the flooding in Australia.Must be so difficult for you to be hearing about it but being so far away.Let’s just hope that the worst is over.
Laura. Firstly congratulations on having another gorgeous son! You are so busy juggling that sometimes it is easier for the audience (us) to see just how deftly you are handling it all. So keep up your strength and know that if you need any help from our end, just holler!
I’m relieved to hear your family is doing okay in what is a terrible situation for many! So good wishes to them and to you during a challenging time. Oh the entrance Shion made is unforgetable and so special!
All love from Joey (and Tak of course)
Everything is going to work out fine because you are a wonderful, sensitive, loving, supportive mother and you’ll do what you can you make your boys well and feel better. Marianne’s right, even in Shion was full-term, you’d still have to ‘abandon’ Noah sometimes, and also leave Shion crying sometimes too if Noah needed your attention. It’s just a fact of being a Mum of more than one, though you’ve had it thrown at you very hard and full-on up front!
Just keep the image in your mind’s eye of a peaceful day in the very near future, you’re home and cosy, feeding Shion, with your other arm wrapped around Noah, reading him a book. Won’t be long now! With plenty of cuddles and love in the future, you will more than make-up for the upsets everyone is experiencing right now.
Laura, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. Know that in the end Noah will be ok. Just consider yourself a working mama right now, you’re working hard at making sure Shion is ok. Annika also gets upset when I leave for work, but I know she is fine once I’m gone, it is just the age and the clinginess is totally normal. Noah has just had his world rocked pretty hard and there are a lot of adjustments, but he’ll be fine. Shion needs you and Noah will understand that one day far after he’s forgotten that you had to leave him for a few hours every day.
I hope Shion keeps improving and starts to gain some weight. It is great that you’re producing so much breastmilk that you have a stash built up, I’m sure with mama milk and all that yummy nutrient stuff the hospital is no doubt giving him he’ll be growing big and strong in no time.
Hang in there Lulu, you’re amazing and strong and you can get through this!
Lulu, I have no words of comfort but I am thinking of you. Although we have never met, I can tell you are a wonderful mother. Sending good vibes from Kyushu!
Laura
My heart just goes out to you reading the rollercoaster that you’ve been on the last week. I can’t even how imagine how gut wrenching it must be to go through the emotions that you have been going through plus doing all this post-partum and with all the non-related stresses (like the flooding – glad to hear your family is all safe)
Please let me know if there is anything you need or anything I can do or send you to help out.
XO
I wish I had something to say, however I doubt there is anything I can say. Just know you are always in my thoughts xxx
Laura, I’m really feeling for you and your family. It’s such a difficult situation and I hope you can find a way to push thru it. March and good things will be here before you know it.
Laura, I wish I was closer so I can carry some of the burden, reading the comments from all your wonderful friends on line I realise more and more the terrific capacity you have to draw people to you, so take strength from what they are saying. In 2-3 months time when Shion and Noah and you and Shun are all in the one place at the same time you will look back on your struggles, shrug them off and move forward. Know that I love you and am so very proud that you have given me two beautiful grandsons. x
Hey Laura,
Firstly a huge congratulations! (didn’t get a comment on the last post). And this one has made me cry. Big hug and heartfelt wishes in your general direction. We’re listening. To whatever you want to say. And if we were closer we’d be happy to help wherever possible.
-r
Lulu, how are things going? I sure hope and pray they are moving forward as well as possible. Please take care!