I have written about depression before. Here, here, and here. In recent months I have spoken also about how I am not coping very well with both boys and don`t feel like I am doing a very good job raising them.
Something is off with me. Perhaps it really is just having two kids under two and taking care of them mostly by myself during the week. I have good days and I have very very bad days. I am not motivated to do much of anything really. This year has been a shocker- I had a baby 2 months early, he was in hospital while I was still trying to take care of my then 13 month old, he came out of the hospital, there was a giant earthquake, we decided to move, we moved and we are in the process of trying to design our own house. I am having a hard time distinguishing whether they way I feel has been caused by what has happened and things will just start to get better or if I really am spiraling down into a deeper depression.
I was starting to run low on medication which I bought back from Australia so I went to a psychiatrist- my first visit to a psychiatrist in any country although have had dealings with them in Australia before because of my dad. I think you can get anti-depressants from regular doctors here but I have never had much luck and figured since things were a bit off lately that it best to go see “someone” anyway. I could rant about that experience here but I won`t- It took me 2.5 hours, 45 minutes with a counsellor and 10 mins with the psychiatrist and a whole lot of waiting with Shion strapped to me in a hot and dingy waiting room but I got a script for a months medication and was told to come back in a month to get another prescription. My first gripe was the waiting, but guess it can`t be helped, second gripe was the condescending tone of dr who tried to tell me it was up to me to make myself “happy” and not up to the drugs, my third gripe is that I could only get a months prescription although this was to be expected I guess. Anyway- I got the prescription at least which is good. Although have to do it all again in a month.
I had never mentioned to my in-laws that I suffer from depression and neither had Shun but since I needed them to watch Noah while I went and knew it might take a little while I got Shun to explain to them while I was there so they could ask me questions if they wanted to. They didn`t have any. That was fine. MIL asked me if I managed to get the medication and I said yes and told her I wasn`t exactly pleased with doctor or process and she said she could help me look for another dr if need be.
Basically going to the psychiatrist to get medication stressed me out more than before I went but anyway. I have been worried that I might have post natal depression. I mentioned this to the counsellor and got nothing…
I found information on English counselling with native English speaker and decided to book a session or two after talking with Shun. I had my first recently via skype- this is why it appealed to me. No waiting around, could do it at night when boys are asleep, it could be in English. I am not sure what I expected would change though. It was/is expensive too- and while my health is important…especially my mental health I can`t keep shalling out 13,000yen per session. We spoke a bit, gave some history, i mentioned my concerns about possible PND but it is more likely that since I already had depression it is just the depression kicking in again. First step to up medication and see how things go…the fact I am breastfeeding Shion is a worry…will see how things go though- research shows very little goes through breast milk but the higher the dosage of course the higher that little amount is.
The thing is I really do not know what I expect. I yell at my kids because I am stressed out and over it. But that isn`t depression- that is just bad parenting. So maybe I am not depressed or what is depressing me is just that I am not the kind of mother I wanted to be…
The signs are there though…..difficulty making decisions, difficulty falling asleep, tired all the time, decreased energy, no desire to do anything, agitated/irritable, guilt, crying, stressed about going out, stressing when things change or don`t go to plan.
I go on and on about how I feel like I am a bad mother and I tell myself the night before I will try harder tomorrow, I will be better tomorrow, I will love my kids more tomorrow but then the new day comes and I am no better. I still yell, I still get upset, I still cry and I still count down the minutes until they go to bed and I am nothing like the mother I want to be or even the person I wish I was.
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I am just a twenty something Aussie girl living in Chiba, Japan with my Japanese husband trying to make sense of the crazy Japanese world we live in! We welcomed our first son in December 2009 (Noah) and a second son in January 2011, 2 months premature (Shion). I am working hard at raising them to be confident, bilingual, happy kids!
Oh babe sending you so much love.
You are NOT a bad parent. You are doing the very best you can with your current resources. We all yell at our kids sometimes, we all feel guilt. And we’re all just trying our best, many of us without the added pressures of depression looming over us.
I think you are amazing. You’re living in a different country than the one you grew up in and where your own family is. You have two babies very close in age. The ‘best’ Mum in the world would find that challenging at times.
I’m so glad your in-laws are being supportive. I’m thinking of you.
xox
I have been a mum now for 12 years and I still have these talks with myself, sometimes on a nightly basis. So hard to live up to the standards we set for ourselves, harder still when isolated, and you have the additional difficulty of 2 children under 2. That is so tough.
We have just been through an enormous country change and I have found it hard to distinguish between ‘normal’ response to extreme stress and depression.
Michelle
I have PND. I blogged about it the other day. Medication has helped me so much, but if I forget it even for a day, I start to slide back. The first thoughts I have are ‘I’m a terrible mother. I’ll do better tomorrow.’
If you think that it shows that you are in fact a good mother. You want to get better; you want to be better. It’s hard but we need to let ourselves put ourselves first, cause by doing that we are actually putting our family first if that makes sense.
What drugs are you on? I am taking Zoloft which is fine during breastfeeding, but I guess it depends on the dose.
I’m not going to tell you it gets better, and it must be so hard in a different country, but you’re not alone. Keep writing, keep trying, and stop doing anything unnecessary that puts pressure on you. Thinking and praying for you xxx
Keep searching until you find the help you need. I had bad depression after Ty was born, but didn’t find any help. It took me two years to come out of it. Two very bad years when we were all lucky I didn’t do something horrible to myself and/or the kids. And surround yourself with people who are helpful and supportive, cut the ones who are selfish, inconsiderate, or just plain crazy out of your life. They only make things harder. (I won’t say more about that, but I believe you know the person and incident to which I am refering!) As for the yelling. Just Yell. All parents yell at some point. Heck, I’m not sure my kids even know what my normal voice sounds like. Only liars pretend they never get angry or yell or say/do things with their kids that they shouldn’t have or that their kids are perfect little angels who never cause a moment’s trouble.
Hang in there. Depression is hard and it makes us view things differently.
You are not a bad mother. You are trying to get help so that in itself makes you a great mother.
Cut yourself some slack. Try to do the minimal each day. Feed yourself and the boys. The night before get everyone’s clothes out for the next day. As it is one less decision you need to make. Sorry if that sounds silly but figuring out what to wear in the morning can be so hard for myself and can rise my anxiety.
I really hope you can find some help. Can you get in contact with your oz dr and they may know of someone who can skype with you.
Best of luck
xx
HUGS
Glad you were able to get medicine although sounds like your Dr. was a pain in the butt… theres gotta be better and more understanding professionals here
Anyways I feel the same as you many many times and I only have the one kid. This toddler stage whoops your butt regardless..
Anyways hope that the medicine works and you aren’t a bad mom at all! I think you are great mom and I guess the good old “this too will pass” helps.. I wish I had more useful info as well but I’m feeling mentally drained and tired as well. Hopefully we can meet up again soon.
Bloody hell, that doctor’s visit sounds like a complete nightmare. I hope you were able to get the same drugs you were getting in Australia. I feel so frustrated for you Lulu. You are dealing with super amounts of stress at the moment and they will definitely be involved with how you are feeling and your parenting. I yell far too much at the children, am not the parent I wish I was, and quite often go to bed telling myself tomorrow is a new day and that I will do better. I don’t think I’m depressed so I am putting this down to the difficulty of raising multiple small people at the same time.
You can do it Lulu. You’re a strong beautiful woman with so much heart. You’re children are adorable and proof that you are doing a lot more right than you imagine. Take all the small help you can get. Don’t feel guilty about needing time out. Sending big hugs to you from Oita. xxxx
Oh Hun, if I could I would hug you. I’ve had PND and depression, so in a way I know how you feel. It doesn’t help being in a foreign country either.
But we are a community. We ARE here if you need to vent.
*hugs*
I was thinking about you recently, hoping things had improved. I think it’s very brave to seek help – and knowing that there may have been translation problems and different stresses with going you went anyway. I’m so proud of you. You are being incredibly brave and dealing with so much. And you are a GREAT mum.
Lulu, your perseverance in getting help for your depression is the only thing that will help you find the answers you need. I read this post many years ago from Dooce (http://www.dooce.com/2007/12/13/because-i-couldnt-say-it-phone) and until then I didn’t realize how serious depression was and how you can’t “just make yourself happy”. I hope you find the help you need (at a reasonable price!!).
Also, parenting babies and toddlers at the same time is exactly how described it! I remember counting down the minutes HOURS before bedtime because then I could finally get some quiet time. Everyone yells at their kids. Hopefully you’ll find a nice community of mums in your new neighborhood so you can see that everyone feels the same way and if they are awesome mums they’ll admit it and even tell you the few tricks they’ve figured out to get their kids to behave occasionally!!
I try to look at the long-term. I think about how I want my kids to be when they graduate from high school. What kind of attributes do I want them to possess and then work back from there. A bad day here or there is not going to affect my overall parenting goals. As someone who has passed the toddler phase (and heading towards the teenage phase – yikes!) it does get better. Take care of yourself.
just a simple big *HUGS* to you.
You’ve read my blog, you know i’m going through something similar right now ( though for different reasons ) – so you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I think you also know you’re not a bad parent – that even those without depression yell at their kids sometimes, just of sheer frusturation – but i completely understand how you come to question yourself.
Chin up, hang in there, and i’ll cross my fingers you kind a useful doctor soon!
I’m not a mother, but I had to read and re-read all of your depression symptoms because they were eerily familiar to me.
I understand, and I hate that it was so difficult for you to get medication to help you manage. I know how much energy it takes to get it here with a sympathetic doctor.
The best of luck to you but be gentle with yourself and don’t expect too much of yourself.
Lucy
My thoughts echo those of the girls above. I myself have dealt with and continue to struggle with my own darkness. You are not alone and while depression may influence your parenting, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Love to you sweetheart x
Oh Lulu, you’re not a bad mother AT ALL. There are days where I go through exactly the same as you – promise to myself that I’ll be a better parent tomorrow, love my boys more, be more attentive.
But look at what you’ve gone through, and look again at what you’ve accomplished. You’re doing great. Really. You are.
Just take it one day at a time.
I’m also glad you’re getting the help you need.
And we’re all here for you too xxx
Lulu, I’m sorry you had such a shitty experience with ahole doctor, there are such a lot of them about.
I know of two counselors you can skype with that won’t cost you that much, one is sliding scale and the other is 7000. Let me know if you want the details.
Glad your PILS are being so supportive.
Hope things lift soon and obviously it’s a symptom of your depression but do try not to beat yourself up you’re doing a great job with your sons.
You’ve got so much support here, and of course it goes without saying (since everyone else has already said!) that you’re doing the best you can with the cards you’ve been dealt. No one can ask any more than that from you. I don’t have experience being a full-time mum, so i can’t give any words of advice, but just know that i think you are amazing for being able to care for 2 children who are so young, almost fully by yourself! At the end of the day, although you’re reveling in the fact that they are asleep and out of your hair, you still love them and they for sure love their mama. Before you know it they’ll be grown up and moved out of the house with their own families, and you’ll be wishing they were back home (I say this because, although my mum had a hell of a time with me and my siblings, she tells us all the time now how she wishes we would just move back home!)
But for now, all i can do is send you cyber hugs and support, and hope that things start looking a little brighter for you soon.
Waiting for hours and then just being given the pills…that seems to be the thing here.DH has been doing it for years and it drives me mad.Talking would help so much as well but never the option it seems.
Sending you lots of love and massive hugs.The amount you have been having to deal with this year is more than most of us could deal with in years.And now the new house to sort out .Be easy on yourself.I join the rest of the “yellers”…managed to sort out a dispute this pm between the kidls by speaking softly .Shocked me to the core that it worked and no shouting ,screaming and banging of objects was needed.Amazing!
Lots of deep breaths and feel very assured that you are very much loved and needed in our community. xxx
Big hugs. I have a 3 year gap between kids, no premature baby, earthquake, house move or history of depression and I still have awful shouty days and moments (usually in the car, if the baby is crying and the toddler is shouting) when I think “God this is awful. I should never have had children”. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, and it’s only for a moment, but sometimes having small children is tiring, boring and lonely. Yes they are amazing and gorgeous and we love them to bits but they are also bloody hard work. Anyway, you are definitely not alone and well done on keeping checks on yourself to look out for depression… Hopefully you can find a better and more understanding doctor soon. Xx
How much of your depression, would you say, is due to the fact that you live in Japan and not in your home country Australia?
Hun, it’s been a while since I commented but I still read all the time. I just wanted to add my support to the chorus – you have a lot of people around you who believe in you and think you are doing an amazing job despite a huge number of life stressor events that have added some mighty big rocks on the road. Added to that, of course, is your depression which makes those big rocks in the way seem insurmountable at times.
( Definitely pursue the medication and talking therapies/counselling line…if you can get a handle on the depression, it might make things seems a little more manageable.
Also, do you think you might have really high expectations set for yourself sometimes? Sometimes, 60-80% is enough, if you know what I mean. Not to mention 150% which it seems you give all of the time. I am amazed at what you set yourself to get through for the day. Accepting that things won’t be 100% perfect all the time is sometimes quite liberating. (I’ve had pretty horrible anxiety this past year and know a lot of it is due to having a mismatch between unrealistic expectations plus vicious negative thought patterns.)
Anyway, thinking of you hun. I hope you get the help and support you need and feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (sorry, had to drop a cliche in there somewhere). You are doing a fantastic job, even if you feel you aren’t. Sending love and thought and hugs your way. xox
Trying to get help here is so daunting and frustrating, isn’t it? It’s probably why I haven’t even tried whereas if I were back home and feeling like this I would have seen my GP already. I’m glad you were able to get your meds though, hopefully that’s one less thing to worry about for now. I hope it won’t be long before the clouds clear and you’re able to enjoy things again x
Listening. And feeling for you.
I know how hard it is in Japan to get good treatment – keep at it, looking, and hopefully your family can help with that, as I know seeking treatment is hard and sometimes you need all the help you can get.
The Australian organisation beyondblue http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=94 has some information resources if you haven’t already found it. …
A big thank you to all of you for taking the time to comment. Reading the comments of support have been amazing- I am so lucky to have support in RL and online from family and friends all over the globe. I truly have no words to show my gratitude. You are all lovely!!!!
It also helps me immensely to know that I am not alone in my feelings and that others feel the same as me or have felt the same as me. Not that I would wish these feeling on anyway but it is still nice to know that I am not the only one.
Today has been a good day so far. I haven`t yelled at either kid once I don`t think. We went out to the local play area, I met a friend there and we caught up and she came back for lunch with her little one. Both boys are now asleep and after they wake up I will be ready to face the afternoon. Maybe we will head outside to blow some bubbles. Fridays are usually good as they are nearly the weekend and I always feel much more relaxed over the weekend with hubby around to help.
Anon- Depression started when I was younger and living in Australia- I think having Japanese resources over English resources does not help but living in Japan over Australia does not cause me to get depressed. In fact I like my life in Japan- I think I would be feeling this way where ever I lived but I just don`t know since I live here.
Oh sweets your not a bad mother at all!
Also echoing all of the above comments. xx
((HUGS))
I have never suffered from depression, but I definitely DO yell at my kids .. but unlike you I have never really worried about it or felt bad about it. So you are a better parent than me!! My mom was very distant and unconnected as a mother, so my way of thinking is that, even if I yell, as long as we also have memorable fun times, close times, etc., then I am doing great! Also I yell way less than my husband, and when I yell it’s usually for a reason of some sort, so I guess I come off looking good by comparison with my husband. We probably sound like terrible parents now, but honestly, I think I am an okay parent.
I can’t contribute any advice about depression because no matter how terrible I feel from some bad incident, I always seem to feel better the next day. Just got lucky with the body chemicals I guess..
Keep trying for good, supportive help (I know it’s out there!) and please don’t worry about the yelling or English and school training, length of TV time, and all that stuff.. don’t worry, there is a lot of leeway in parenting! I was really gung ho with teaching up my older son, but did virtually nothing like that with my younger son, and he has turned out the quicker (academically) of the two..
And he loves his TV time, but he watches in both Japanese and English (helping his progress in both languages), and he wants to be a movie director, so I figure TV/movie time is good for him!
I would guess a LOT of the problem you’re having is related to the huge events in your life this year, coming so close one after the other. Anyone would be having trouble with your year so far – it’s not just you!!
I, too, have struggled (and continue to struggle) with depression. It’s awful, isn’t it? Also, while I’m not a mother, I do know what it feels like not to live up to your own expectations. It’s great that you have such a supportive MIL – she sounds like an awesome lady. I can tell from your posts that you really love your boys, and although you might disappoint yourself, I’m sure that your sons will grow up to show you just what a good mom you actually are. HUG!
Huge hugs and good wishes for you.
You are a great mom Lulu! I am continually impressed by all that you do for and with your kids. Yelling is not the best thing in the world, sure, but if that’s the worst your kids have to put up with then you’re doing pretty good. I am a bit of a yeller myself and while I try not to yell, I don’t beat myself up about it really.
I hope that you can find a psychiatrist that you like and who you feel comfortable with. No doctor should berate patients or belittle their issues. Keep paying for the English speaking counselor if you think it helps, your mental health is worth every penny. You’ve been through a lot over the last year and a half or so and even for someone without a history of depression I think after going through all of that that talking to someone would be a good idea. It is good in a way that you’ve been through depression before and can recognize the signs — it puts you a step ahead of the game.
Know that you have lots of people in real life and online who love and support you and are wishing you nothing but the best!
Yelling at our kids isn’t bad parenting. We all do it. And it’s definitely much quicker to go from fine to yelling when we’re stressed, anxious, depressed.
The financial side of asking for help is huge, so I will tell you what my sister always tells me when I skip appointments because I can’t justify the cost:
“Can you afford not to go?”
xxx
You may want to consider calling TELL (Tokyo English Life Line) for someone to talk to for free. It’s not the same as counseling, but it costs nothing and can be helpful in getting you through the day. They also can give you information on English language counseling services which are charged on a sliding scale according to income (and it may be cheaper than what you’re doing now). Even if you can’t afford any counseling, the line itself is for people who are in your situation and you can call everyday if you want.
You have a right to your feelings and you have a right to receive help and not to second-guess yourself as a “bad mother” rather than as being depressed. Your suffering is legitimate and just as real as a stomachache or physical ailment. Don’t be down on yourself for being down. Being a parent is hard. Being one in Japan when you’re not Japanese is its own special breed of difficult.
Wish I could pop on a plane and spend some time with you and your beautiful boys, unfortunately I didn’t win lotto this week tho’. For Pete’s sake Laura, you are not a bad mum, I admire all that you do for both your sons and Shun, don’t beat yourself up about some shouty times, if I had done that when raising your and Paul I would have been black and blue all the time. love you. mumxxxx
A little late but helpful I hope.
I am glad that you told your in-laws, it is best to have support and it sounds like they were non-judgemental. I am sure they have seen how you have done so far and are impressed.
I know I am.
I was a mother’s helper/babysitter/nanny for 10 years before coming to Japan. I have seen lesser women fall apart ,facing far less challenges than what you are facing. Raising kids is hard and can cause anyone to lose their heads and shout. Please do not be discouraged. I have walked into houses where everyone (including mom) was crying… At 7:30am.
I am glad that your inlaws have been helpful and I hope that it continues. I never understood why the world decided that women needed to take care of their own kids and never seek help from anyone else… As you can see I am a firm believe in the idea that “it takes a village to raise a child.”
I am sending virtual hugs and lovely thoughts your way. If all else fails, you can always come back to your virtual village for more support.
I’m glad your MIL sounds understanding and willing to help you find a Dr that works for you. It’s hard enough navigating that system here, let alone in another language.
I read this post a few days back but only just now had the time to come back and leave a comment. I can see you’ve received so many supportive comments and I hope that really helps you know you are thought of and not totally alone, though you might be far away from Australia. I haven’t had PND nor depression, though it seems to run in my mother’s side of the family, so cannot really understand that side of things. I know it’s not as simple as saying “snap out of it”. I hope you find the support you need on that front. And hopefully you will also realise that no parent, no person for that matter, is perfect and we all do things, say things we wish we could take back. I think it helps to just take a step back, realise what you don’t want to repeat, and then give yourself permission to move on. Hard to do but worth trying. Take care.
I am so glad to see all the wonderful comments in your support here. I want you to know that reading your post was good for me. I have felt some of the same things you have about my parenting too. It’s good to know that all moms must feel this way at times, regardless of how many kids they have, their ages, where you live, anything. I have friends who’ve suffered PND, and some were surprised to get it after the second child. You can read one of their posts at http://eatplaypoop.com/2011/07/01/second-child-realities/. She really made me think and it helped to be able to not be so hard on myself.
sorry to hear you have been going through a bad time! it’s the domino effect I think, I’ve been having a bad year too ….so my mental health hasn’t been very good lately either..I know what it’s like not to be able to sleep at night! Even though I’ve been medication free since March, I’ve thought about going back on it lately. If it feels like the right thing to do for you, then it is! I can’t believe that doctor told you that it was up to you to make yourself happy. Clearly he’s not up to date with the research that says it is a biological condition that effects the chemistry in your brain!