I love my kids. I do. I put their needs first the majority of the time {can anyone truly say they put their kids needs first 100% of the time?} but I can not help but take it personally when they do certain things.
I know. I know. They are kids. Babies even. But I still feel as if I am failing at this whole parenting thing in such a dramatic fashion that surely they will grow up to be incredibly screwed up.
I take it personally when Noah throws toys at me. I can not help but feel it is because of something I have done/haven`t done. Or when he bangs his own head against the floor/wall/door in frustration or for attention. I take it personally when he bites me, or doesn`t like the activities I organize or throws his food on the floor.
I know he is doing these things because he is a toddler and not because he has some deep seeded anger towards me but I still can not help feeling this way.
I can`t help but take it personally when Shion wakes up 30 minutes after I put him down for the night- as if he is not “full” enough, or he is cold or has a pain. I feel I have failed him and that him waking up is a personal attack on my mothering.
Several weeks ago I went back to the Japanese psychiatrist to get a prescription of the higher dosage of meds I am on. Turns out {and believe me I really wish now I had done more research and known this AHEAD of time} that the limit for the drugs I am on in Japan is 100mg. Except I was taking 150mg on advice from the English speaking doctor…I was on 100mg already and had gone to 125mg for 5 days before going to 150mg several weeks previously. I had upped my dosage {and I have been on a similar drug of the same dosage as this before} and thought it would not be a problem. I also wish I knew/understood the doctor when he told me this instead of getting all pissy about it thinking he was doing it to spite me {or as a personal attack!} but in fact the regulation for this drug is 100mg in Japan {but 200mg in Australia, America and other countries!} and I hadn`t quite understood that this was what the doctor was saying. He didn`t help himself by saying that “100mg should be enough anyway” as it really made me want to punch him in head. Or knock him over {and I could of- he is tiny!}.
So after getting the script for 100mg and realizing later that the limit here is in fact 100mg and no other doctor was going to prescribe me more I went down to 125mg for 5 days and back to 100mg. When I upped the dose originally my plan, inside my head at least, was to stay on that for 4-6 months see how thing went and then hopefully wean myself back down to 100mg or even 75mg. Instead in the space of 6 weeks I went from 100mg to 150mg and back to 100mg.
I felt so much more in control, I yelled less, I wasn`t as tired and had more energy and I was definitely a better mother on the higher dosage. This wasn`t just me thinking this- friends and Shun commented on how well things seemed. How much better they were…
But now I am stuck on the lower dosage and things are crumbling again and I am taking everything personally even a toddler throwing a tantrum and a 7 month old crying at me…I so want to be the mother I thought I would be, the mother I wish I was…
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I am just a twenty something Aussie girl living in Chiba, Japan with my Japanese husband trying to make sense of the crazy Japanese world we live in! We welcomed our first son in December 2009 (Noah) and a second son in January 2011, 2 months premature (Shion). I am working hard at raising them to be confident, bilingual, happy kids!
You know the first thing that I wanted to do when I read this post was give you a really big hug!! And then to tell you that you aren’t alone in feeling like this. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have gone from the 100g to 150g and then back to 100g in such a short amount of time. Just from talking to you on skype I could see such a big difference when you were on the higher dosage. It’s a shame that Japan has this rule in place. Is there any way you could get your GP in Australia to make up a prescription for you?
Back to what I was saying that you aren’t alone. Every time Leilah throws her breakfast on the floor (or her drink bottle) I think it is because of something I have done/haven’t done. That something is wrong with my parenting. Her headbutting, the way she slaps me in the face whilst laughing and pulling my hair must be because of me.
I know deep down that it is just a toddler thing – something that they will outgrow. But like you I take it as an attack on my parenting skills
I hope things get easier for you again soon XXX
Oh hun.
Of course you take it personally, but while some of it is directed at you, the rest in directed at not yet understandinf the world
I want to give you a big hug too! xx
Oh sweetheart, I just want to give you a hug too.
That sucks re the dosage issue
And when I’m at my lowest I take all sorts of things personally too. It’s hard not to when you’re feeling a bit down on yourself already.
Sending you so much love xox
Oh Lulu
I’m with you on taking it personally – whenever I feed the baby to the point she pushes me away, then cries and is inconsolable, I fret and try to soothe her and then she if she’s hungry as a last resort and she feeds for like 15 minutes…it’s like, why didn’t I try to feed you more? Or the husband tries to soothe her and can’t and we’re all frustrated… and again, all because I didn’t feed her properly.
I see it that every day that Noah is acting out is one day closer to when he will be reasonable and understand how his behavior is affecting those around him.
I’ll reiterate that you are doing such an amazing and inspiring job as a mother – those boys are so blessed to have such a dedicated and caring mum!
I’m not sure what you could do about the meds? If it’s proven to help you then surely there should be some way to let you have it?
You know what, even without the issues of depression that you struggle with (which must make the whole thing FAR worse) every single one of us has days/weeks/months when we take things our kids do personally/blames ourselves for their behaviour. It doesn’t stop at the toddler years and I am forever trying to talk myself out of “oh my god, I am such a bad mother” funks. It makes us good mothers that we care as much as we do though. I try and tell myself that often!!
Am sorry to hear about the issues with the meds. Is there any way you could get another prescription from Oz?
What are you on? If its the same as me i have oodles spare cause i keep forgetting my lunch ones at work. Yours if you need them. I know how you’re feeling. Totally been there a number of times.
Mailed you! It is all good since we are on different meds. But thanks anyway!
Big hugs Lulu. Am pissed off at your doctor for letting this happen and can’t understand how Japan can have such a low dosage allowance compared to home.
I take A LOT personally and I know I shouldn’t, I tell myself they are just small people and don’t think like me. I shouldn’t blame them for acting how they do but, I do. The worst is when they all run off to Granny K’s room. Bloody hell, they wont even stay and annoy me, I’m not worth it. They run to her room for sweets and paper planes and bed bouncing.
It must be a shock to your system having to decrease rapidly. I hope that until your body adjusts, or until you can get more from somewhere, that at least it helps a bit knowing most of us feel like this some / a lot / all of the time.
xxx
Technically I upped dose myself on advice of the English speaking psych who I spoke with over skype {based in Tokyo} My guess is he knew the limit though but did not mention it to me.
The Japanese psych never mentioned limit to me until I asked for more. Such a fucked up situation but I will be fine.
You take care of yourself and your little people too {hard when they throw stuff or tantrums though I know!}
Hugs Lulu!
Of course rationally you know that it isn’t personal — they aren’t old enough or developmentally at the stage yet to where they actually can insult you on purpose, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t hurt your feelings. My kids, especially Dylan, hurt my feelings a lot when they choose their dad over me or refuse stuff that I’ve made for them or reject clothes that I’ve picked out or whatever. Aside from depression, part of parenting is that you give so much of yourself to these little creatures and lots of time they really don’t appreciate it, at least not now, and it hurts sometimes, as much as you know it shouldn’t. I mean, you spend the whole afternoon making some kid friendly meal you just know you toddler will love and he throws the entire thing on the floor? That’s basically just a big old “f you mom,” right? That’s how it feels anyhow. So you’re totally not alone there. Remember that one day they’ll have kids and they’ll get a taste of their own medicine and then they’ll totally appreciate you and everything you put up with and will tell you, finally, how awesome you are — at least that’s how it is supposed to go!
That all said, I’m sorry the doctor was a bit of a dick about the medication. Hopefully you can make the dosage work for you or find a way to get the higher dosage that you need and start feeling better again.
Aaaaaaaarg, Japanese doctors/medical systems drive me insane!!! The problems I have had just trying to get asthma medication that makes sense, let alone more important stuff! Is there anyway you can get more from Australia, or see another doctor (they don’t share records, do they?) so you can then cut them in half to get the right dose? Too risky? Have you tried the British GP in Ebisu? He was the only doctor in Japan who would break the rules and give me the 2nd cervical cancer vaccine shot I smuggled through customs before it was allowed in Japan so he is very understanding and might have a way to get you a proper dose, or at least find some one who can prescribe for you. Are you free any time on the weekend of the 17th/18th ? We would love to visit Chiba and finally meet Shion and see Noah (and you)! Oh, and Shun!
Heya Alex- I forgot that you still read! I sent you message on facebook- we look forward to seeing you on the 17th in the afternoon. Ei-chan too! Can`t believe it is less than 6 months now til the wedding.
Maybe I need to start exercising more- it has always worked for you as a mood stabelizer right? I tried it in Australia and honestly, endorphins don`t really do it for me it seems.
Chocolate on the other hand….
Sending big hugs from here too xx
After feeling so well, having to go back must be twice as rough =( Major hugs from me too. I’m guessing prescriptions go on record and you can’t just get a 100g dosage from two different Dr’s and take 200g eh? =/ I’ve never really taken medicine so I don’t know how it works hehe
Hope things improve for you soon! I think whether you take it personally, or whether you know it’s just their frustration at the world… ANY parent gets stressed when the 3rd meal they just made their picky toddler in hopes of getting something in their tummy gets thrown across the floor… hehe.
Just wait until they DO mean it personally! Then we’re screwed. “I hate you! You’re the worst mommy ever! I wish XX’s mom was my mom…” ><;;;;
You always crack me up Khea.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time. I find that often things are magnified when you’re away from your home country and having to navigate unfamiliar territory. Especially medical territory.
I don’t have much to offer on the medicine front, other than my sincere wish that it gets better soon, BUT i do want to share with you something that really helped me lighten up about the whole parenting thing. We put ourselves under so much pressure trying to be good parents, obsessively doing baby betterment projects, and actually, it turns out, that these things have a negligible effect. Listen to this podcast via Freakenomics (you can find it on iTunes). You’ll feel a lot better about not doing tot school att the time. http://www.freakonomics.com/2011/06/07/the-economist-guide-to-parenting-full-transcript/
Thanks for the link. I have downloaded the podcast to listen to later.
I wish I didn`t have so much experience with the medical field here but in recent years it seems I know my way around the system quite well but this was a blow.
I don`t think Tot School is having a negligible effect- I take time away from it when I don`t have time or if Noah is not interested but when he is it is great as he loves the focused time if he is in the mood. Plus- I like to catch up on some English TV at times but I can`t just sit and watch tv without doing something else so I do lesson plans, or cut up stuff for art projects or hand sewing/craft so it works out well.
I don`t take it all serious or anything but I figure the more focused “ENGLISH” input Noah and Shion get the better because once they go to kindy their environment will switch to mostly Japanese. We mainly just do focused play…with me talking a lot and asking questions {which of course he doesn`t answer yet!}
Sorry if I sound defensive, it is not meant that way.
Hi Laura, sounds like you are having a tough time, but you are not alone, I often feel like you with my two girls (3yrs and 19months).
About the medicine front when I was in Japan I had to take a medicine where the amount you could take was limited like yours. One doctor I saw told me to take the amount I wanted to take (4g) but he wrote the prescription for 2g(Japan limit) and I just had to come back more often. Another doctor combined my medication with another very similar one to get over the limit in the Japanese system. any chance you could find a different doctor? or go to an international clinic and ask them to refer you to another doctor (I recommend Dr Yeboah at Tokyo Medical Clinic if she is still there, she is British). Big hugs and hope you feel better soon.
Thanks for dr`s recommendation. I have heard of her actually so I think she still is there. They don`t take Japanese health insurance though I don`t think so it would be quite costly. Plus hard to go once a month with the boys…Although if I get desparate then I might end up having to go into the city once a month anyway
It seems it is illegal for drs to prescribe more than 100mg. That is the way I read it online and hub seems to think the same.
Because I have Japanese health insurance too- if I tried to go to another dr or get more medicine my insurance would deny it?! I am not exactly sure how it works but hub also rang and asked I paid full price for the extr 50mg would that be okay and dr and pharmacy both said no :{
If it’s any consolation, I don’t have depression and I still feel like Jonathan’s tantrums and misbehaviour is a result of my bad parenting skills and when Isabelle awakes like Shion does, I blame myself for having not held her enough during the day.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. You are doing a great job with your children. Perhaps as someone else said you can get some while in Australia.
The Japanese system is so strict. I actually work in clinical trials here in the US and Japan is involved with one of my clients and they have been one of the toughest countries to work with.
some time ago the son of an AFWJ member wrote an articel about the problems with low medication dosages in japan and foreign residents. It was on femail and later in the journal, me thinks. try to contact him. speaks of course perfect English.
To cheer you up: Hub found two small kids taihen and thinks you are dealing “erai”.
Tell Tetsuji thank you and that from next Friday he will know how it is “personally”
Got your message and one from Nancy T with name of other dr and link to article. WIll be checking it out as he has an email listed on his website as well. Thanks
Oh no!! Can you go back to the English-speaking doctor who gave you the higher dose? In the meantime, maybe you could take 150 anyway (cutting some in half) and then go back sooner to get more (like the PP suggested)??
This was in another post, but I totally would recommend waiting to potty train. My older (and more difficult) son started potty training at age 2 and 3 mos., because the senseis at hoikuen wanted to do it then (we continued using diapers at home during the process). He was so NOT ready, and got 3 outfits a day wet through, each day at hoikuen. I think starting it too early actually made the process much longer and harder. Training for night dryness took ages, too.
My younger (easier, stronger-bladdered) son started potty-training just before he turned 3, and I think we had literally just 1 accident. Night-time training was easy, too. It was GREAT doing it so quickly and easily, and I’m so glad we waited!!
I am definitely happy to wait in my decision to potty train but definitely happy to hear personal experience too. Noah is definitely not ready and I don`t want to push it.
I wish I could go back to dr sooner since he is local and just get more meds but my insurance won`t allow it. SUCKY!
Hugs to you Lulu, I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. I hope
you take the same as the pp who offered you her surplus, or, isn’t your friend’s mum coming over soon, maybe she could bring you some?
Hope you can get sorted out soon, meanwhile hang in there. ((( ))).
Thank you everyone!!! I have replied to some of the comments above personally {well I will be after this} – some of you I have emailed already.
Thank you for all the advice and to those that also emailed me personally or messaged me {and didn`t comment here}
Appreciate it. The last two days have been a bit better than the 2 days before that and I hoping the withdrawal symptoms will pass soon.
Just wanted to say how I am as ever in awe of you Lulu. I know you’re struggling and feeling like you’re failing at the moment but you’re still doing an amazing job keeping going, trying to make each day the best you can for your boys. I really hope you manage to get your medication issues sorted soon x