I believe in positive parenting. Even though I believe in it that doesn`t meant I do it 100% of the time…I lose my cool, I yell and yes I have been known to smack Noah`s hands in frustration when he touches something I have told him not to touch a 100 times in the last hour or I grab his hands after he pushes Shion over while telling him it is not okay to push. I hate myself afterwards. I do not want to be that kind of parent. I do not think that kind of discipline works and I think in backfires and actually teaches a child that it is okay to be violent which of course is not what I want for my kids. Some of course may disagree with me and think that smacking and yelling works {and other may be appalled that I have smacked my almost 2 year olds hands.}
I am not perfect. But I do try the best for my kids. I am human, like everyone I get frustrated. I try and try to keep my cool, to use my “inside” voice, take deep breaths and for awhile that works. For awhile I am okay with telling the boys to be careful {ie, Noah stop running your brother over with your toy car}, okay with explaining to Noah that he can`t play with the cupboard with pots and pans right now because I am cooking above that and it is hot and okay with picking up a thrown water bottle 10 times in a row.
We had a good day today yesterday {I started this post yesterday but did not finish it} – breakfast together, the boys watched some tv from 8am and played while I got some chores done including hanging out the washing, getting everyone dressed, writing a shopping list and my co-op forms, and cleaning up the disaster that is the dining table and highchair after meal times. I played with the boys for a bit on the floor {mainly with Shion- TV was still on until 9am so Noah was more into that}, fed Shion, turned off the TV, read a couple of books with both boys and Noah wanted to colour so I got down the paper and crayons {Paper and crayons are usually left out but now with Shion getting more mobile he kept trying to eat the paper so Noah usually has to ask for it now} and I put Shion down for a nap.
I came downstairs and Noah and I did some colouring together and talked about how Shion was napping and we needed to be “shhhh”. We did two tot school activities and then I opened up the front door, gave Noah his snack {homemade apple, carrot & cinnamon wholemeal muffin} and told him we would go outside to look at the leaves but had to stay close to the house because Shion was sleeping. If he wanted to walk too far away I just had to say “Where is Shion?” and he would run back towards the house looking for him. Shion was safe in his cot and I was putting my head inside every 5 minutes so I knew he would be safe even if he woke up. Noah went two doors up to see the cats {two cats are always outside one ladies house}, we ran into his great grandmother leaving for a dr`s appt and stopped and had a chat outside our place and then Noah had some fun throwing a couple of leaves around while I sat on the stairs and supervised. We live in a quiet street along a river lined with sakura trees- not many cars but a fair few bikes but our street is used constantly by the elementary school children walking to and from school and going on walks so most people are pretty careful.
We came in, Noah played in the pots and pans cupboard {without a childlock- he can play in there as long as I am not cooking and as long as it is not the 30 minutes before bed as it is too noisy and distracting and get them both worked up. Shion was still sleeping and this was loud so of course eventually he woke up but he had had a decent sleep so it was not a big deal.
Both boys went into the stroller and we headed to the supermarket passing the in-laws house on the way as they were moving yesterday and I wanted to ask if they needed anything. MIL wasn`t there and FIL said they were fine so we went on our way. Noah wanted to stay and play but I said he couldn`t and he was okay after a minute. Both boys grizzle in the supermarket but it is a fact of life that we need to go shopping and buy food and it is something they both just have to put up with. It was just after 11 by the time we got home and when we got back the movers were putting a bookshelf up over our balcony because FIL & Shun couldn`t fit it up the stairs the other day {Our townhouse has steep narrow stairs} so Noah fawned over the movers for a bit and then when they left I started to get lunch ready while Noah & Shion played with the pots and pans again. We ate, we played blocks together we read some books and Noah went down for a nap about 12:20, I fed Shion and we played with some cars and then he also went down for a nap by 12:45 or so.
Shion woke up at 2:30 and Noah just before 3pm. Noah woke up screaming though. I have no idea why…He wanted me to hold him, that was fine, he wanted to hold froggy his blanket, that was fine. I offered him a drink and more hugs and he wasn`t interested so I said we would go for a walk and popped Shion in the sling {he sits against my hip in it and can see out and it leaves me hands free} and put the backpack leash on Noah. Noah was still really distressed. I am not sure if he had a bad dream or not but usually getting out of the house helps. He was still crying though so I suggested we could stay home for a bit but that made him more upset so off we went- we saw a little boy a bit younger than him with his dad but Noah was not in the mood to say hello. We walked around the neighbourhood for almost an hour.
We came home Noah had a quick snack, Shion had some milk, Noah did some painting with apples and then we played together a bit and I popped a dvd in so I could start dinner.
Basically what I am trying to say is both boys had some individual attention, we spent time outside, we read together, we ate together, they both had decent sleeps yet and by dinner time at close to 6pm I don`t think I had raised my voice once. Of course Noah decided throwing food and his drink was “fun” despite me taking his food away once {and in the end the yogurt after he threw the spoon on the ground two more times I told him no more dinner/dessert and of course he cried but I had tried the “We don`t throw our spoon on the floor and if we do that means we must be finished” thing several times and no point saying that if I don`t eventually take it away after a couple of chances}. Shion was cranky by this point- he basically refused to have a 3rd nap even though he still really needs it. Some days if he is in the stroller or car he will nap again from about 4pm but usually not.
We hopped in the shower, I washed up the plates/kitchen/dining room disaster area and fed Shion while Noah pulled out tons of toys and made a general mess. Noah went back to pots and pans and I reminded him that no we don`t play with that after dinner and I got up {while feeding Shion} and closed the cupboard. He ran back and tried again. I tried diversion and offered him his colouring. He drew on the table and when I gave him a tissue to wipe it up and said “No, we don`t draw on the table, we draw on paper” he threw a crayon at me then ran back to the cupboard and I said “Noah, if you open that you are going to bed”
It was 6:40pm, he wasn`t tired yet since he had a decent nap. He opened the cupboard, threw a pot and it scared Shion and I said “That`s it. Bed. Get Froggy” and I basically carried him upstairs kicking and screaming with Shion under the other arm and put him to bed. He was upset but as soon as the door was closed he was no longer crying and while he didn`t go to sleep for an hour or so {he just played in his bed in the dark but did not cry} he did drop off eventually.
Now my question is this: does all of the positive parenting I did earlier in the day, all of the “good” things have no affect on him? Does the fact I yelled and lost my cool before bed completely override the “good” things and make me a failure at using positive parenting strategies and discipline? They say consistency is the key and I just don`t understand how someone can follow through with positive parenting and positive discipline full time when you have a toddler {and a baby}…
I know he is a toddler. I know that kids are like this. But why, if I am doing everything “right”according to parenting experts and positive parenting gurus does he still do this?
In talking about our day I did not mention how many times I had to tell Noah “No, we don`t push people” or “No, we don`t bite” or “No, we don`t throw things” or how many times I had to say “I understand you are frustrated but lets do blah blah blah instead of throwing crayons. If you throw them again I will have to put them away”
If he does something I have asked him not do do twice then I try to be consistent and say “Okay no, you can`t play with the crayons anymore because you are throwing them but you can play with these cars instead/but let`s have a snack or but let`s read a book”
It is exhausting. Not to mention I am not sure I realized how selfless been a mother would be before I became one. I also want to use positive discipline and positive parenting techniques ALL OF THE TIME but am struggling.
I do so much for my kids and sometimes I just feel like they throw it back in my face { like tonight Shion went to bed at 7pm…it is now 7:45pm and he has been up twice to be resettled. He is full, he is not gassy, he is warm enough. Why is he still waking up?}
Back to the first quote- There is no way to be a perfect mother but a million ways to be a good one. What are the things you do that makes you a good mother? Or, if you don`t have kids, what were the things your own mother did for you that made HER a good mother…
This post is a bit all over the place. I apologize.
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I am just a twenty something Aussie girl living in Chiba, Japan with my Japanese husband trying to make sense of the crazy Japanese world we live in! We welcomed our first son in December 2009 (Noah) and a second son in January 2011, 2 months premature (Shion). I am working hard at raising them to be confident, bilingual, happy kids!
I love Joey with all my heart. I cook for him, keep him clean and dressed and make sure he is safe and well looked after. That is what being a good mother is all about. If your child is loved and safe, even if they kick off and have tantrums (or say for example, in Joey’s case is he currently struggling with his literacy) you are a good mother. You, Lulu are an AWESOME mother so stop giving yourself a hard time.
I have never been good at positive parenting and quality time etc.. There are just not enough hours in my day and at best, Joey gets 30 minutes of time a day that is concentrated entirely on him. (Even when he showers, he showers himself while I do other stuff) Yet everyone comments on how outgoing and confident Joey is and how happy he seems with his lot in life. I am not the mother I thought I would be. I am too selfish but I have stopped beating myself up about it because I love my son with all my heart and he knows that. Even when my mother (who obviously deserves a mother of the year prize-NOT) tells him otherwise, he knows that he will always be my number one.
It IS frustrating at times when no matter how hard you try, your kids still act out/don’t behave as you want them to. Joey is obstinate, pig-headed and incredibly argumentative and it drives me up the wall as I have to negotiate every little part of the day with him so that he “accepts” it. (Not quite sure how to express it in english but in Japanese you would say “nattoku suru”) There are days when I wonder if he will ever just listen and accept something but then I remind myself that in 10/20 years time when that sheer pigheadedness means that he is doing incredible things with his career, I will be very very proud of him so I try and embrace that rather than beat it out of him. (Figuratively as opposed to literally.. obviously!!!)
That said, there are days when I am too scared to consider having more kids because Joey is now past the truly horrible years that you are slap bang in the middle of and I am not sure I could face doing it all again. Let’s just say that when Joey was Noah’s age I increased his hours at daycare because I just couldn’t cope with the stress of being around him all day every day. You aren’t alone in feeling overwhelmed so please don’t feel like you are!!
“I do so much for my kids and sometimes I just feel like they throw it back in my face”
I think this all the time too Lulu. All of my little people are at kinder all day 6 days a week and I still feel like this. You’re doing an amazing job. The tot school has Noah doing so much cool stuff. You do a lot of things together with your kids and are teaching them all they need to know as building blocks for becoming great kids and then adults.
I wish I was a better mother all the time. I read books and I try different techniques occasionally but at the moment I seem to stretched in other directions and perfect mothering is definitely taking a back seat -which is very sad. That said though, my kids do things and say things all the time that amaze me. Shou ‘teachers’ Marina and Ryu things – usually things he has been told be me or his teacher and more often than not they don’t involve obscenities which is a relief.
I think in a year or two when Noah is a bit older and past the terrible twos and even worst threes stage that you will start seeing the fruits of your hard work now. At the moment he just wants to do everything his own way and it’s hard for him to understand that it can’t be his way all the time.
At this present moment I think the fact that I’m not in a fetal position under the stairs pissed on wine is credit to my being a good mother. What did my mother do? She always had time for us. Would always listen but was also fair and consistent.
xxx
After reading a lot of your posts (but not often commenting, sorry), you are a good mother. Not only are you doing everything you should be doing, you’re also doing things like tot school and giving a lot of one-on-one which is more than most of us do/did.
Probably Noah is still too small to understand a lot of what you are saying or at least forgets it five minutes later and so is doing things over and over again mainly because it’s what he wants to do at that time and not because he wants to test your limits (although there are no doubt times when he is doing that too!)
I’ve yet to meet a mother who was totally confident in what she was doing but trust me, it does get better and what you are doing now (positive parenting) is the building blocks for good behaviour later on.
I honestly don’t think I was doing half as much as you are, but after the first couple of years things will start to settle down and you’ll enjoy your days so much more.
Ailsa (whose youngest is now 16 and believe it or not, I often wish they were only 1 or two years old again – selective memory?)
Laura, as my daughter I couldn’t be more proud of you in your role as a mother. You’re much too tough on yourself. x
Oh my, I have days like this too. I’m trying to do attachment parenting, and it’s really really really really hard. It basically means that I can’t do any housework during waking hours because my kid freaks out and cries and in AP you can’t let your kid cry…or so they say. And still, my kid hits me and bites me and throws her food on the floor EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. Don’t even get me started on the yoghourt all over the place.
The only thing that I’ve found to work is a positive parenting strategy that I’ve made up…we sing the “happy and you know it” song, but substitute other feeling words. i.e. if you’re angry and you know it clap your hands. Now instead of hitting my 16 month old claps. Which is a major victory. She still hits me sometimes but never as much as before we started our song and dance routine.
But basically, I subscribe to the 80 % rule. Doing it well 80% of the time is doing it really well. I truly believe that so long as you’re not abusing, neglecting, or emotionally harming your kids, they’ll be fine. Kids can forgive a lot of well meaning parenting mistakes. So hang in there. You’re doing well.
Lulu, one thing that stood out to me that you wrote was this: “I know he is a toddler. I know that kids are like this. But why, if I am doing everything “right”according to parenting experts and positive parenting gurus does he still do this?”
The thing is, doing everything “right” is not supposed to produce immediate results or perfect children. The idea is that you’ll raise well adjusted healthy adults. You might not see the results for years, but eventually you’ll have raised two wonderful young men and you’ll know that it wasn’t all for nothing. Or that’s the idea anyhow. In any case, I’m sure if you sampled 2 year olds you probably wouldn’t find a huge difference in behavior between those whose parents did everything “right” and those who practiced a sort of beign neglect, there probably wouldn’t be that much of a difference in their behavior. Outright abuse, maybe. But mainly I think no one really sees the outcome of their parenting until the end, and even then, there are so many factors. People can do everything right and their kids might still grow up into adults who have issues. Sort of infuriating, but that’s life.
I think you need to try and let go of the idea that you’re going to hit upon a parenting technique that will make your toddlers stop behaving like toddlers. Everything that they do is absolutely normal for kids their age. The only thing that will stop it is time. Eventually they will grow out of their toddlerhood and will stop being obnoxious in the way they are now, and will find whole new ways to be obnoxious!
I wanted to chime in and second everything that Jessica above me just said, the part of your blog post that she quoted was actually the part that stuck out to me as well. I’m a big believer in the idea that children are NOT born blank slates to be filled. They are still individual human beings with their own ideas and own ways of seeing the world, even if they are little and have a lot to learn about the way the world works and how one is expected to act and behave. There’s no one-size fits all solution for correcting bad toddler behavior because it really does depend on the individual child, their personality, and how they respond to different situations. And it sounds to me like Noah is particularly strong willed, on top of his typical toddler behavior
But I agree with what others have said, you are doing everything you can to the best of your ability, in spite of being human, which makes you an awesome mom as far as I’m concerned, and I just know one day you’ll have some amazing sons who you can be proud of (and Noah’s stubborness and strong will will become one of his good points, haha ;D)
Also, even though I’m not familiar with the Positive Parenting method and its ideals, in my opinion, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing Noah (even from a young age) that certain negative behaviors can have consequences if he continues to do them. And hey, sending him to bed early isn’t the worst thing you can do (even if i still remember from my young kid years that it certainly SEEMED like the worst thing in the world, ha!) Anyway, really my point is just don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t sweat the small stuff, have a sense of humor, and if all else fails, remember that tomorrow is a new day to start fresh
Also for what its worth, I remember I used to see my own mother as a seemingly strict disciplinarian who was riding my ass all the time, but as we both grew older and wiser and i reached a certain age (maybe around my tweens) i realized she is actually the most sweet, kind, intelligent, and selfless woman i have ever met, and most of my memories from my early years are all the good times and nice things she did for me as a mother. you just keep on doing the things you’re doing now, and one day your boys will feel the same way about you, i’m sure of it
I think it is great to have an overall parenting philosophy, because it gives you something to aim for and helps make you aware of how you are parenting BUT no-one can be perfect all the time, and no one parenting approach is going to work for any child (or parent) 100% of the time. If Noah needs to go to bed, and is acting up, and what it takes to get him to bed is a firm voice and no-nonsense attitude then that is what it takes. He will still know that you love him, and that is the main thing.
I aim to not yell or smack, but I still find myself raising my voice with Ali… usually when I have asked him to do something lots of time, or when he is asking me “why” for the ten millionth billionth time about something like “Can you please put your shoes on?”. I’m not proud of that, BUT when I look back my mum and dad were much stricter with us (we used to get hit with a wooden spoon!) but I never felt that they were unfair or that they didn’t love us and so I didn’t resent it.
Anyway, this parenting thing is such a minefield, and I think what I am trying to say is that no-one is perfect, you are trying your hardest and doing a great job, and don’t beat yourself up too much! Having two little children is hard, especially when you have a partner who works long hours and you have to do all the bedtime stuff yourself. I really envy people who are married to tradies and teachers who finish work at 3pm. If there was any magic parenting approach that made toddlers act like rational human beings instead of tiny tyrants all the time, then we would all be using it
Hi Laura! I remember feeling this way!! Now that I’m passed the toddler stage it does all seem like a distant memory but I will tell you a few things I learned. First, your kids will remember NONE of what you did with them for the first few years!! I know, all the hard work you put into tot school and walks and going to the park when you didn’t feel like it and they won’t remember a wink of it! But what will remain are the principles, rules and manners you taught them. All the things we know as adults (how to treat other people, etc.) were taught to us during these formative years and even if we don’t know “how” we learned them, they do remain ingrained in us. Second, it takes a two year old at least two months to learn a new behavior. You may have to say “Don’t throw your yogurt” and take away his food for two months but eventually he will get it and then he’ll be on to something else. Being consistant is the key! Third, taking a time out works for parents, too! Sometimes I would choose one thing that needed to be done for the day (laundry or make a real dinner) and then I spent the rest of the day in my pajamas just enjoying the day.
Have you tried time outs with Noah? I loved time outs even during dinner time. We had a chair that faced away from everything else and if there was food throwing (or little brother tipping) then they went right to the time out chair (since it was something we were working on, not a first time offense) and if they did something new then they got one warning and the second time was a time-out. Time-outs took a big part of the stress out of parenting for me and it felt like a positive thing to me: a time out to think about what you did with no hitting, yelling or coersion from me. They just had to sit and then apologize when they were done. Sometimes my strong-willed ones would not apologize so they got another time-out until they were ready and sometimes this made dinner really really long but it made a huge difference for me and them. I think the great part of time-outs is that it puts they responsibility back on the child for their behavior.
I love that you have all of this support! The internet rocks!
Hi Laura! I love your posts, they are so thoughtful and considered and honest. You really put a lot of dedication and care into the way you parent your children, and you’re right – you are selfless! I’m selfish – the Sproglette is quite self sufficient so I get lazy and choose to read books instead of engaging with her at times :< naughty me.
I think you're doing a better job than I'd be doing!
I don't think a little outburst before bed would cancel out your positive parenting at all. Not at all. Remember, kids don't really remember all that much, and even when they do start to remember, they will remember the whole picture, not a certain incident, unless it was truly distressing for them. Doesn't sound like Noah was distressed.
Plus, it doesn't sound like you ranted and raved, you just raised your voice, and this is probably a good thing because it will remind Noah that, on the rare occasions that you do raise your voice, that you mean business.
That's my opinion – I'm not an expert in parenting though!
Take care
I liked Little Miss Moi’s comment, “on the rare occasions that you do raise your voice, that you mean business.”
I do raise my voice (shout) too much, but I still think I’m a good parent, because they know I love them and that I will stop bad behavior. Having said that, now having two active boys age 12 and 16, I would say that I have raised my voice too much. Nothing really bad has happened because of it, and I have two happy and well-behaved boys, but I do feel that in order to show that I *really* mean business, I have to raise my voice 2 or 3 times in a row, or louder than usual. If I had raised my voice less all these years, I think they would respond quicker when I raise my voice just once. So I do agree that raising your voice should be avoided whenever there seems to be a choice in the matter. It’s not about all or nothing, just about having a general plan to parent in this or that way as much as possible.
About the toddler behavior, in my experience toddlers *cannot* be reasoned with. Maybe some can, but mine certainly couldn’t! They just grow out of it eventually. In the meantime, it’s important that they learn that they can’t just walk all over Mommy. No matter how bad their tantrum is, at the end of the day they have to follow Mommy’s rules. Or else you end up with a kid who won’t respect authority and *expects* to win arguments with adults, by shouting or having a melt-down. (I’ve met older kids like this and it isn’t pretty!!) So I think you totally did the right thing by following up on your “early bedtime” threat, despite his struggles.
The end goal is to have a teenager or young adult who knows you have his/her best interests at heart, trusts you, is happy and feels loved, knows society’s rules are important, accepts your authority (even if he/she sometimes fights it), treats other family members decently, takes responsibility in the home and family, etc (these last two need continual reinforcement, though!). IMO, more important than the shouting issue is the issue of not letting them walk all over Mommy, which you didn’t — if allowed to, they learn fast how to ramp things up to get their way!!
You’ll reap the rewards of positive parenting way in the future, Laura. Toddlers are too young to really appreciate what you do for them. They can’t remember one moment from the next. I get angry with my kids and shout – sometimes I feel it’s justified but other times I have to remind myself that they are still very young. I was angry with James last week because he was demanding things and had forgotten about all the treats he’d had that weekend. When I asked him where he had been that weekend, he couldn’t remember where he’d been the day before and I was furious that he didn’t appreciate the time and effort I’d spent making sure he had a nice weekend. I realise that I was being unrealistic and unreasonable as kids have no sense of time and can’t remember anything unless you promise them chocolate!
Hang in there. It will probably get worse before it gets better, but judging from your posts, I think you can handle it. You are doing a great job, Laura.