Yesterday at playgroup a friend asked me if Noah was stringing words together to form sentences or putting two words together.
I was {unfortunately} a bit short with her and I replied with “He doesn`t say anything”. I felt bad afterwards…her son is 3 months younger than Noah and already saying quite a lot in both English & Japanese. I don`t think he is stringing two or three words together yet though. She was just asking but it is so hard for me to see other kids improving on their language skills each time I see them when Noah isn`t- he communicates by screaming at me or crying or signing or saying “du” and pointing.
I know deep down that eventually Noah will talk. I also know that I shouldn`t compare him to other kids as it is not fair to him or to me. I feel like it is my fault though. What is that I am doing wrong? Why doesn`t he speak?
There are two other boys born the same month as Noah at playgroup- one is from a bilingual home and the other is full-Japanese but both parents can speak English as well. Both kids speak quite a lot- the first in both English & Japanese and the other in just Japanese. People say “boys talk later” or “bilingual children speak later” yet these two boys are fine. It is just mine that isn`t. I feel like people look at him and think he doesn`t speak because of something I have done or not done. They probably aren`t thinking that but I am almost certain some people are…
I am sick of people asking me “Is he talking more yet?” or “Does he say________?”
As I write I have tears streaming down my face for the words my son should be able to say but can`t. He should be pointing things out to me and yelling their names but he just points at things and grunts or says “aa” or “du”…
Today we had rhythmic class…I did not translate for Noah but I didn`t speak to him in Japanese either. It kind of meant that I was pretty much silent most of the lesson. The teacher spoke to me before class and said she had spoken with a foreign friend about it {She said she takes English lessons from an Australian guy married to a Japanese and they are expecting their first baby} and he had said that he also thought I should not speak Japanese to my son if I always usually spoke English. She kind of apoligised for suggesting it but still asked that we see how Noah go trying to understand the teachers without me telling him what they said and i said fine. she said if it didn`t work of it distressed him we would think of something else He went okay I guess- he copied the other students but he also looked blank a lot and when he gets frustrated he lays down on the floor and bangs his own head against the wooden floor {the back of it}- I try to stop him or put my hands under his head before he does it but sometimes I can`t.
At home he does the same thing. Or he scratches at his own face. Or mine. Or kicks me. I am not sure what I should do.
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I am just a twenty something Aussie girl living in Chiba, Japan with my Japanese husband trying to make sense of the crazy Japanese world we live in! We welcomed our first son in December 2009 (Noah) and a second son in January 2011, 2 months premature (Shion). I am working hard at raising them to be confident, bilingual, happy kids!
I’m sorry Laura
I know it’s not quite the same, but I feel a little the same when I see other kids younger than Jonathan speaking quite clearly and stringing words together. The most Jonathan strings together is “ah-puh jssssss” for apple juice!! But it’s so frustrating 
He’ll get there, you know that deep down. Hang onto that xx
Babe – don’t be so hard on yourself or on Noah. Parenting is not a competitive sport or a race to the next milestone. He is probably communicating to you more than you realise in his own way and isn’t communication the most important thing? The skills will improve over time. I know you know that but it is hard to walk it every day when you are wanting so much for your little one to be healthy and happy in his world.
I know it is hard, but just speak to him as if he understands and speak in natural language so that he will learn the natural undulations and timbre of speech.
I would suggest you have a “spiel” prepared though for those times when you are asked by other parents so you don’t get upset by having to talk about something that is sensitive for you. The other parents are just muddling through too – I know I am on a daily basis.
We are all doing the best we can. Be kind to yourself.
Hi Lulu,
The frustation must be overwhelming! Especially when parents like us put so much effort into giving our litle one that little something extra and in return things fall short of our expectations.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, just continue to give him your love and support, I am sure he is just a late bloomer. Einstein only spoke when he was six and ppl thought he was a slow learner! Have faith, okay?
*hugs*
Firstly, big big big hugs!!
We have spoken about this topic so many times that you know I feel exactly the same way. Why is it that all of the effort we put in seems to have little/no effort on their language development.
It really gets on my nerves too when I am told that Leilah is slow because she is in a billingual household. What pisses me off more are the comments like, “you just wait till they start talking, you will wish they would just shut up”…
Leilah is now saying, ‘doo’ for everything – even me. She seems to have completely wiped out the words mummy and daddy from her vocabulary!
I’m sorry I have no advice though as we are dealing with the same thing. One day it will just click though and they will surprise us with their new vocabularies
Until then you know I am only a skype call away to vent to…
Sorry you are having a rough time, but you really can`t and shouldn`t compare either of your kids to others. The only situation i could possibly see you do that is if by chance you better another foreign wife married to a Japanese guy who while pregnant with your 2nd, spent 2 months in your home country (which probably confussed Noah a bit until he got used to it), then came back to Japan (which probably confused him a little again), only to get sick, then go into labor a couple days after arriving, having the first child deal with not seeing mommy and being in another new environment (baba and jiji`s).
Then don`t forget bringing home a new baby (which is probably traumatic to any first born), throw in an earthquake, moving, etc.
If your comparing others kids to Noah who are the same age but haven`t had 3 different moving experiences coupled in with earthquakes and a new baby, then those kids are going to be in a completely different place than he is.
So sorry you’re having a hard time!
When is your next follow up assessment for Noah, I can honestly say that I know no other parent who puts in as much effort as you, it’s not you! You make me feel guilty for how little I do with ash.
Noah may have a problem, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and something I hope you can get help with, must be so frustrating for you, and him.
First time poster here. I can understand that it must be very frustrating for you, but you do so much for your kids, read to them a lot, put so much effort into TOT school, so it’s really not your fault. You’re doing more already than many other mothers bother doing.
I know it’s easier said than done, but try to relax more about this issue. Try to enjoy what Noah is able to do already, instead of worrying about what he should be able to do. Children are individuals and develop at their own pace. My (monolingual) brother for example didn’t talk at all until he was almost 2 years old. Around that age my mother enrolled him in kindy for the first time and after that it was only a matter of weeks until his speech development suddenly caught up with that of the other kids, much to everyone’s surprise. My mother claims that he had just been too lazy to talk all along, because he could communicate his needs to her without words. But once in kindy he had no other choice if he didn’t want to be shoved around by the other kids.
You say Noah clearly understands what you are saying to him, so it’s not a problem of language competence. Maybe he just relies too much on you, because you’re always there to help him.
Just let him choose to talk when he decides he’s ready, and be careful to not let him feel your frustration, in order to not put any pressure on him subconciously.
I’m sure it will be alright! Wishing you the best and don’t forget, you’re a great mom!
Btw, my brother still doesn’t like to talk more than absolutely neccessary up until this day. He’s almost 30 now.
Just a quick note to let you know… my (fully Japanese) nephew has only recently started talking, and he’s 2 years and 10 months, with a stay-at-home, caring-about-her-son-lots mum (like you!). At two, he was well and truly still at the grunting/squealing/pointing stage. No-one seemed concerned about him at the time, and sure enough, he’s really putting it together quickly now.
Noah will be fine, and you’ll wonder what you were worried about!!
Jude is the same with not talking. He was born May 09 and when he does talk we often can’t understand him. I think his is more a tongue problem. Try not to worry or compare, it’s hard but he’ll talk when he wants to. The mister didn’t talk until he was almost three and when he started they just couldn’t shut him up. Noah is unique, embrace it rather than fight it
Also the head banging thing, Jude used to do that often when he was younger, we just ignored it and told him that hurting himself wasn’t going to get our sympathy and is silly. He doesn’t do it any more. It’s scary at the time though.
The teacher sounds very understanding which is helpful, do what you think is best in the class.
xxx
You know Lulu I think it is such a cultural thing. You know we have had issues wih Mr Mischief, I was in exactly the same position you, same feelings etc (okay no major earthquake, premmie baby or big holiday!!) it was natural for to me to worry about it because that is what we know. We are taught early intervention is best that soon as they are behind we should be chasing it up to as why. So I did. He didn’t speak at 2 at all. At two and a half he said “I love you” perfectly and unexpectedly at the pool. That was wonderful but not enough. I sort councelling and was told by the Japanese side not to worry until he was 4!! I couldn’t see their point, they couldn’t see mine, nor could they even comprehend it.
Mr Mischief is now five, speaking well in Japanese with a perfect understanding of English. He is still behind his peers but surprises me all the time with what he is learning, like he’s catching up twice as quick because he started late.
It is right to worry but celebrate and embrace Noah’s strong points, you’ll find that by encouraging him in his areas of strength he’ll stress less about what he can’t do and inturn grasp things he is struggling with without realising it. Let him free play, let him be with other kids without watching over every move and through his interaction his language will come in its own time.
I have a daughter who was speaking sentences at 14 months, a son who couldn’t say a word until two and a half I know about constantly comparing and its not good for anyone. Realx and enjoy your son for the individual he is not what you expect him to be or become because now is the moment.
As for your movement class try lines like “Look at Mami senei” “Can you do what Taku is doing?” “What’s next?” I do this in our Japanese playgroup because I know mr Happy sometimes didn’t hear the teacher or didn’t understand and I don’t want to translate. It’s helpful and it refocuses him especially between activities.
Lu Lu, you have a lot of very smart and caring friends, I can tell that from reading their wonderful comments about your post.
Take all that they say on board, and try not to drive yourself nuts over Noah’s progress, he will find his own level in his own good time. I think he’s smart and wonderful just because he’s my grandson.! love you.
Noah is just doing things at HIS own pace. He will catch up and surprise you out of the blue one day.
Try not to compare him with others and tell others to do the same. Some kids are faster while others are slower and there is nothing wrong with that.
Just to let you know about S-kun and the head hitting situation, he tends to do it and laughs after every hit?? Its a bit weird and I just hope he grows out of it.
Awww Lulu, massive ((((HUGS)))) First, you are an INCREDIBLE mother! You do so much for your boys, way more than ANY mother I know. I’m a complete slug by comparison.
Personally, I’ve always seen the head banging as a sign of high intelligence! Gabi did exactly the same thing, she would also scream as she pulled her own hair or bit her own arm (breaking the skin! she still has scars!) and it was all out of frustration. Her little brain was working in hyper-overdrive, but she just didn’t have the vocabulary to communicate any of it. As soon as she finally started talking, all of that behavior disappeared.
Your worry is totally natural, as is the blame you’re heaping on yourself. All good parents worry and blame themselves when it comes to their kids, because we want so badly for their lives to be perfect and easy. For you I can see why it’s even worse. You put so much incredible time and effort into stimulating and teaching Noah, and it seems as if it’s all for nothing. But I promise you it’s not. He WILL start speaking. There may very well be underlying issues, but they won’t be insurmountable. And if there aren’t, and he’s just a late bloomer (like all of mine were) he’ll talk when he’s ready.
I also think Miya made a very good point. It’s possible Noah isn’t speaking yet simply b/c he has no need to. He’s able to communicate well enough, and you’re able to understand and/or anticipate what it is he’s “saying” (as all moms do) so there has been no need for him to develop much vocabulary (also a sign of intelligence! it takes serious smarts to figure that out!).
Try to relax a bit, or at the very least, try not to blame yourself so much, which is so difficult, I know. Whatever is going on w/ Noah, there’s no doubt he’s a very smart little guy and things will work out. ((HUGS))
Hi Lulu …
Well you’ve heard about my son before so I won’t bore you with the story again, but I will share a hug because I know exactly how it feels to feel like everyone is judging you because your child can’t talk. I used to post on a birth board but I actually had to stop going there because I got so sick of hearing about how so and so could count or so and so knew her colors already when my kid wasn’t even saying Mama yet. It is really hard as a parent to feel like something is wrong with your child.
BUT — you’ve had Noah checked. At this point you need to try and let go of the fear and the comparing a little bit, for your own sake and for Noah’s. The docs said there were no big red flags and they should know, they see kids with issues every day. His speech might be a little behind, but he’ll get there. He is communicative, he understands you, so he is obviously not going to be nonverbal forever. You have to trust the experts and trust Noah himself at this point because you’ve done what you can — you go above and beyond what is “normal” for parents of toddlers and Noah is lucky to have you as a mom. The rest is up to Noah, but you need to be confident that he will get there!
And just for more reassuring antecdotes from my Montessori school, there is a boy in my baby class called Xin Xin. When Xin Xin entered the school at 2 years 4 months he was pretty much nonverbal. He’s been with us for maybe 2 months now though and he is starting to talk. His speech is not the clearest, but it is obvious what he is trying to say, and he has even started “participating” in our English class, responding to “How are you today” and repeating vocabulary words after me, and even saying things spontaneously when I show them flashcards. And this all in just 2 months. Things can change very quickly for little ones and usually once they start then that’s it, they go very quickly. We also have a boy in our class who turned 2 back in July who is still absolutely 100% nonverbal and yet, he does communicate — he points and signs and makes noises. I don’t know if there is anything “wrong” with this child or not but aside from not speaking he seems to be pretty much where he should be and his mother says he was tested and is fine. It seems it is really not all that uncommon that lots of kids speak later, I think you just don’t hear about it as much because the parents are embarrased or don’t want to admit out loud that their child didn’t hit that milestone (I know I didn’t like talking about Dylan’s lack of speech when he was nearing 2 years old).
Also, the headbanging thing — loads of kids do that. My son did. My daughter doesn’t do it as much but she has done it before. She definitely pulls at her hair though, or pulls her ponytails out! It is totally normal reaction to frustration (this is something I did ask my birth board about and lots and lots parents said their kids do/did it). Unless he’s doing it constantly and for no reason at all I wouldn’t worry about it at all really.
Of course this goes without saying, but you’re doing nothing wrong! I look at your Tot School posts and many other posts and am amazed at all the things you do for your boys to give them a head-start and to stimulate their young minds. It’s wonderful! And your Noah is definitely such a bright little boy. That picture you posted where Noah had color-matched the blue blocks on the blue horse (i think it was) just had me saying, Wow!
And it goes without saying, too, that everyone is different. Everyone has their own pace. Some kids just get it right away, while others need a little more time or help or encouragement. At the 保育室 i work at i see this a great deal; for example one of the babies has been crawling since 7 months, and now at 11 months is sure to start walking unaided any day now, whereas another of the babies has yet to start crawling at 8 months, and another who is a year and 2 months and has only just started pulling up and taking a few steps while holding on to things.
Same with the talking too. One of the little boys who’s about Noah’s age still has hardly said anything more than “バイバイ” and “ブッブー”. Another of the kids was about 3 years old, and the only thing i had ever heard him say for the longest time was “だめ！だめ！”. Then one day he came in and i swear it was like he had learned to talk overnight! I’m sure some day soon Noah will come out and surprise you with just how much he’s learned from you!
Of course, as a mother it is your job to worry about your boys and their progress, and to wonder whether you’re doing things right or wonder if what you’re doing is holding your child back. Just try to hang in there, and keep doing what you’re doing. Hopefully soon all this worry will be worth it!
Lulu, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Noah sounds fine at least compared to my three boys (who are all bilingual English/Chinese). With my first the period from 18-24 months was SOOOOOOO hard, I call it the terrible twos come early, he was so frustrated at his inability to communicate that he would scream, punch, make a huge fuss, whatever. Yet by 4 he was talking at exactly the same level as his peers. My second son took until 5 to talk really well in English because Chinese is his first language. My third, who is 2yrs4m, is only now starting to put 2 words together, and has less than 50 words in total (half half Chinese English as far as I can tell).
It must be really hard to see Noah so frustrated and I am eternally glad that only my first seemed that bothered by his inability to communicate – maybe there is some hope that Shion will have it easier. So stay strong and keep trying not to compare your kids to others – this will be a life long battle I suspect but at least you are getting a lot of practice now
. Laura x
Big hugs Lulu. Noah is such a beautiful boy and I hope he finds the words you so want to hear soon.
xxx
Hi Lulu!
I just wanted to chime in with everyone else and say what a terrific mom I think you are. My son didn’t talk until really late as well. He started yochien at 3 yrs 8 months and hardly spoke then, just maybe 20 words. His language abilities started to take off a couple of months after that and now his main language is Japanese as he went to a public elementary school here. Since starting jr. high school he’s at a Japanese private school in their one class taught in English so his English is slowly improving. I kind of get the feeling that your Noah is fine as he does communicate through signing or pointing and he does understand what he is being told. He will probably just start speaking in full sentences one day soon as I get the inkling from reading your blog that he is very smart and curious.
Please don’t be so hard on your self. The best thing you can do is be aware of what you feel the problem is and get help for him, which you obviously are so that is all you can do.
Hang in there!
Carol
I feel for you. It makes it particularly hard when comparisons are made when really they all get there in their own time. Our first daughter was really late to start speaking too, our second one started early – we didn’t do anything differently, just their personalities I guess. Good luck with it all.
I really wish that the modern child-raising books, etc., did not make so much of this issue as they do!! It seems like they are making mothers worry more than is needed. Talking early or late really doesn’t have much to do with anything, except in unusual cases. It really is an individual thing, not a matter of being “fine/not-fine” or “advanced/delayed” etc. Some kids just talk later, and it seems to be more common with boys or bilingual kids or kids who have musical or spatial talents, or whatever, but it’s just as likely that another boy or bilingual kid will be talking early or average.
Mine were both on the later side, and I guess I was lucky because it just never bothered me!! (it might be that 15 years ago this was not quite as talked about as now?). At that age, my kids’ few words were still mainly very short attempts at real words, with most of the consonants wrong (like “ji” for “cheese”, or “dodi” for “hikouki”), and incomprehensible to anyone else. I still have a note to a babysitter from when my younger son was age 2 yrs. 3 mos., where I cheerfully explain his various “words” for her, including that “Rehreh” could mean “raisins, duckies, or Tweenies”(!!??). But I could see that both my kids were clever, thinking, understanding me, etc., and from seeing your pictures of Noah doing Tot-school, he looks really clever! I feel like I can see the “thinking” in his eyes, as he does the various activities, and I was really impressed by your recent story of him noticing that there was no red cup, and putting the red popsicle stick back!
Like others said, he might not feel the need to talk, etc. But I *wouldn’t* take that to mean that you should try to stop responding to his other ways of communication (to get him to try to talk). I think it’s great that a mother can understand what her child wants, even without actual words, or with “words” that others can’t understand. I think it’s more important to value all kinds of communication between mother and child, rather than to try to ignore their other communication efforts in order to try to get them to use words (at that age, I mean).
I’m sure it must be annoying to hear the same old platitudes… but I’m sure someday you will be saying the same things to worried new mothers of toddlers! When people ask if he is talking, maybe you could say something like, “Well, he doesn’t really talk yet, but the doctor said he’s fine and not to worry yet”.
The teachers said they didn’t have a problem with you speaking English, just that they would rather you didn’t translate what they said, right? So it seems like it would be fine to talk as much as you want in English to him in class, but just not do the direct translations of what they say.
My younger son (the easy one) used to shriek so loud at that age, whenever he didn’t get his way or got frustrated. At some point he also started kicking and hitting me when frustrated, and I know he was still doing it around age 4 or so, as I can remember it happening after we moved to Japan. And he is the one who has caused me so little worry and trouble, growing up. By age 3, he was easier to handle (aside from occasionally kicking me when angry) than his big brother, who was then age 7! That was definitely worrying… hmmm, why is my 3-year-old easier to deal with than my 7-year-old??!! He is still easier now, too. But they are both pretty easy now. Keep going, don’t give up, and wait for the good results in years to come!! Your Tot-school thing is so impressive and I’m sure it is having a good effect on Noah, and helping him for his future days in kindergarten, etc.!!!
hey lulu
just wanted to comment and give you virtual hugs. you are a GREAT GREAT mom and i think noah will come into his own with the speaking in a matter of time. its hard to not compare… we all do it in some respects or another. the noah i know is a very charming and sweet little boy. hes a good big brother and curious about the world around him.
try not to beat yourself about his language progress! easier said than done, but really i think your mothering skills are AWESOME. your tot school posts and stuff blow me away. you are going to end up with two very well rounded little men.
love ya xo
Noah is a beautiful boy and you are an amazing Mum. You guys will get through this xxoo
I hear you. And for us it is of course “doesn’t he walk yet?”